Neil of Fortune

Imagine my surprise when the toy mouse my cat brought into the living room to play with turned out to be a real, formerly living mouse

If I had a significant other who constantly posted on LinkedIn, I would be downright embarrassed.

Kill me.

I honestly think it isn’t possible that Bill Maher is #2 for current HBO series. The top viewers must be the reporters and comedians that constantly and utterly school him

Health, wealth, AND happiness?? In THIS economy?!

So we’re gonna encourage artificial intelligence before developing organic intelligence? This will all be a waste of time in fifty years when we all destroy ourselves

Scientists will continue to try to develop advanced technologies for humanity, but how long will it be until they realize that we’re all too stupid to use them?

My wife’s favorite song is the one that’s seven minutes long and it’s the same exact thing the entire time

I hope he chokes on his next cheeseburger

The same dude who’s telling you not to take Tylenol during pregnancy also *illed people by recommending Ivermectin to treat Covid

“I’ll just go shopping right when the store opens, no one else will have that idea.”

-The world’s biggest fucking idiot

Funny how when a corporation underperforms compared to its expectations, the upper management is the expected to step down. So in a capitalist system, when can this be applied to our own government?

If we’re gonna overmilitarize the police here, then they should be ticketing people who aren’t driving around with their windows down because it is CRIMINAL on a day like today

This woman. What’s next, she’s gonna get married??!

Holy shit why hasn’t he choked on a cheeseburger yet

At this point, I’m loving those odds

This past weekend, five of my friends and I all witnessed a UFO/UAP and I’ve come to the conclusion that I didn’t need another existential crisis this year

I find it humorous that most of Gen-X still holds onto the assumption that pot is as dangerous as heroin, while their parents are the most likely to tell them to “*deep inhale,* dude, just chill out, dude”

Can’t wait for this demented loser to manipulate the market yet again only to walk back everything and get off on his sycophants’ cuckholding cowardice

This is one of those jokes that’s so good that it’s actually terrible

Elon Musk’s obsession with letters of the alphabet has to stop. First he changes Twitter to X, then he goes political… he changed the Independent Party to the Not-Z Party

I think what pisses me off the most about fireworks is that every single year on the 4th I lose count of how many I hear going off in the middle of the day

I hope America’s birthday wish is that its inhabitants become appropriately furious

I know I’m an old fogey because I still have to buy things on a computer instead of a phone. Look, it just doesn’t feel right so leave me alone

Why did we call it a take a penny leave a penny tray instead of common cents

Datsun wagon is fly as hell 🤩

I saw a license plate that was “1UR 336” which sounds like the beginning of a long list of insults

Yes, it turns out that all politicians who receive influence from any foreign government have compromised values compared to the citizens they represent.

You know we’ve lived under fascism for awhile because we all assumed ICE’s apparent purposes never included deporting white Europeans

We are SO THRILLED to have been a part of Jaxston’s kazoo recital! Those six and a half hours weren’t nearly enough, thank you to Jerseph and Mory for forcing us to bring a birthday gift for their deceased pet Corgi, Bob!