maddie rose

i woke up one day only to find a bunch of catgirls took over my head

Mythra and Pyra kissing

i like them the normal amount

thank you to the amazing @selphie.rosemade.art for digging up this old avatar for a pfp

Dead Island 2 aka "mythra swears a lot.wav"

wish i liked things normally like a normal person would. i feel out of place in just about every space when it comes t omy interests

i am disappointed in myself for failing this, over and over again, for so long. i could just give up here, and i won't. but rn i need to focus on survival. have to push through all this shit to see through to the other end. over time i will slowly become a person ppl want to be around again

people get scared away when i become vulnerable. i don't blame them. *i* don't even know how to help myself.
i'm no stranger to pressing the reset button every few years, but constantly starting over gets tiring. it's all i've known for the past 38 years

i know a lot of that is on me. i don't exactly seem very approachable anymore, i run away from everything. i'm probably not as pleasant to be around as i once was. perhaps i come off very inconsistent and conditional to begin with

nothing is ever truly permanent. everything is situational and conditional. what is it like to have people who are "just there" for you, and for that to outlast some arbitrary circumstantial arrangement or coincidence?

if i am not constantly trying to wedge myself into people's lives i am forgotten

none of us know how to run main, so we're deactivating it for now

it is always easier to fall back to posting about the happy things, much as there is much less of it, to cover things in anger. always scary to show vulnerability in spaces where no one else feels safe to show it

but how does one find the energy to fix this when you're feeling so beat down? there's only so much i can work on in therapy, and therapy is an expensive i might not always have access to.

i recognize that is of my own failing of not adequately maintaining my support network, or running away from it. i am difficult to help because i'm out of sight. i could disappear for a year and no one would question it, which is kind of scary tbh.

looking around the internet, and it seems that people tend to post either: enthusiastically, with anger, sarcastically, memes

i could do all of those but they would just be a façade over what i am really feeling: sadness, loneliness, fear.

i don't have much of an outlet for that anywhere

i need someone to tell me i am capable of taking on what i've signed up for, as my past has surely proven, that i can get through this executive dysfunction and burnout, that i can turn this urgency into motivation, that i can get through this. i sure hope i can because i have no other options now

can't afford to give up rn but i am the least motivated i've ever been outside of a state of being in a bipolar depressive episode, & finding energy/motivation needed to get through the most minimal amt of things i need to do day by day is getting increasingly difficult (again mostly self inflicted)

feeling very much like a "nobody" rn. it's entirely self inflicted and i am just "going through it". i hate being all self deprecating on social media but i have really nothing else to contribute, and through whatever i have been posting lately i think it shows

despite being out on cohost and on fediverse, we're too scared to come out plural on bsky main. too many eyes

something a while ago, before i came out trans, years before we even knew abt plurality, once said to a singlet friend "everyone has an inner-Badeline, right?" (referring to Celeste Madeline's "part of me"), and they replied "Hmm, no, actually."

and it made me pause and think for a moment…

gonna be thinking about this one for a while

just finished the X DE epilogue and i have a lot of Thoughts. question is, who will listen to them? who *can* actually listen to them yet? lol

having to use SVN because it's still kind of standard in a lot of the game industry (and it makes sense, it is more suited than Git, unfortunately. yeah i know Git LFS and hg and whatever, but this post is not about searching for new solutions for our client) and i am so lost half the time lol

i have restored our fedi instance so i can crosspost abt spoilers w spoiler warning

i may have legitimately put 100 hours into the game, but i swear from this point on its going to be a lot of idle rubber-band on control stick frontiernav farming for final boss prep as playing the amount of time we have been is not very sustainable

we aren't on any group XB servers and posting shit to like, outside of the one or two friends we spam silly shit about, is a bit much for most of our other friends lol

so without proper descriptive CW/spoiler tools on Bluesky that just means we never post about it. maybe we'll get off our asses and figure out why the mac mini the fedi server is hosted on is dead rn lol

really wish i had somewhere to post more spoilery stuff. even the silly shit i want to post is already kinda spoilery. (we have a pretty strict definition of what spoilery is apparently too strict for most ppl but we aren't going to lower it)

streaming all my XBCX gameplay onto unlisted YT streams has been my way around "want to preserve my gameplay but have no disk space" lol

Neilnail from Xenoblade Chronicles X: Definitive Edition wearing an open black leather jacket, a white camisole, and red brow frame glasses in a the Blade Barracks painted bright magenta pink.

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