Lauren Hubbard

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a television industry, asking for one crime drama in 2025 that doesn’t use the song “Starburster”

Not counting the amount of time it takes for an Instant Pot to pressurize in a “10 minute” recipe is an absurd lie and we need to stop accepting this.

New fear unlocked

It would be great if my fight or flight response could tell the difference between “oh no, I’m being chased by a mountain lion!” and “oh no, I have to make a phone call to an amiable person who is already expecting to talk to me”

Bonus points for having a weird little break in the audio loop every 60 seconds or so that makes it sound like someone has answered the call, just to get their hopes up

Water torture is passe—if you want to really torment someone, force them to wait on hold while an automated voice repeatedly reminds them that they can schedule online, for a service that cannot actually be scheduled online.

“I’ll just eat half this bagel and save the other half for later,” is an insidious lie I tell myself every time I get a bagel

“I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s, and his hair was perfect” is the single greatest lyric ever written. I will not be taking questions at this time.

An important part of being an elder millennial is having your inner monologue occasionally yell “HOLLA!” a la Missy Elliott

I want very much to be someone who looks breezy-cool-effortless in linen, but in reality I look did-she-sleep-in-that 10 minutes into a linen outfit.

Can we stop reporting on the length of standing ovations at Cannes as if it’s a meaningful metric? My mom would clap for me for seven minutes, but that’s not a measure of my talent.

I can no longer tell the difference between ads for artisan candies and fancy weed gummis.

Oh yes! Teen me judged Christine so hard for bailing on him for Raoul. He had a stable living situation, a productive creative outlet, a flair for fashion, and at least half his face was above average looking. I think there was a lot to work with there.

An insouciant gambler who’s dying of tuberculosis? What more could an eight year old girl want?

I’ll see your “childhood crush in the fox version of Robin Hood” and raise you a “childhood crush on Doc Holliday from Tombstone.”

If I do not get a nice spring day with a breeze and some sun soon I will simply walk into the sea

Trump administration deports gay makeup artist to prison in El Salvador A gay man with no known criminal record sought asylum in the U.S. He's since become one of 238 Venezuelan migrants deported to a notorious prison in El Salvador by the Trump administration.

60 Minutes could find no criminal records for 75% of the Venezuelans the U.S. sent to a notorious mega-prison in El Salvador. https://cbsn.ws/4clubLP

As there are no movies being made of new IP anymore, consider this my official pitch for a Three Men and a Baby reboot that turns out to be a poly rom-com.

Forget astrology, figuring out whether your prospective partner is a “watch shows while they’re airing” or “wait until the season is over to binge it” person will be a far more useful predictor of your future relationship happiness.

Extremely Opinionated Opinion: if you live in NYC your acceptable water choices in a restaurant are A) tap water B) sparkling. If you order bottled still water here, what are you even doing?