Tim Murphy

@schumer.senate.gov

Holy crap. I'm looking at an old email I sent to the email brandusa@etc and I included the Salutation Dear Brandusa, like it was SOMEONE'S NAME. It's Brand USA.

Nobody sharing their Spotify Wrapped this year because they run ads for trump's brownshirts.

I've seen enough: Andy Richter is projected to win Dancing with the Stars

Well, you, Winsome, you lose some.

Every November 1st

Why didn't England try telling everyone the Epstein files don't exist and if they did Andrew's name is no where in them but the British equivalent of Bill Clinton's name is all over them?

The Democrats can stop the maga shutdown at any time by signing a shitty bill is like saying Ukraine can stop the war at any time by ceding all land to Russia... all the maga talking points look like this I guess. Legal immigrants can stop harassment by moving to countries they've never been to!

Semicolon on the phone with his friend: Yeah, I'm sure they'll stop the home keys at L. All letters makes more sense, I get it. I'd LOVE to work with Pinky though. Oh hang on got my agent's calling. Probably the bad news.

Hello? Sure, I'm sitting down. Why?

Well for one thing he stole Judah Friedlander's bit. Been upset about that for 10 years.

a close up of a man in a green elf costume with the words `` you sit on a throne of lies '' . ALT: a close up of a man in a green elf costume with the words `` you sit on a throne of lies '' .

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Marlins guy at the #WorldSeries, explain yourself.

Really? I apologize I wasn't familiar with your game, Sir.

I hate to give him ideas but the fact that he's not selling official White House bricks is honestly shocking.

Merging at the Ft. Pitt tunnel

There's a trashy book written on every line of your face.

Just because they praise Hitler and espouse gas chambers in their group chats and display swastikas in their offices you call them Nazis?

So much for the tolerant left.

@5calls.org

Call your representatives, even if they are John Fetterman

Me trying to figure out where the exclamation point should go in my 3 sentence email

A racehorse: oh my God, I have to take such a regular piss

People love to give the mayor in JAWS shit, but I'd also like to nominate as worst public servant in movie history whoever should be enforcing the speed limit in Ludlow, Maine.

In "A Nightmare on My Street," The Fresh Prince is saved from Freddy's wrath when his alarm goes off. He then calls and wakes DJ Jazzy Jeff to warn him not to go to sleep. Jeff tells him it's 3 o'clock in the morning. Why did Will have his alarm set for 3AM?

Alfred Nobel. I met him, he's very woke. A very low IQ person. He wanted to come to Mar a Lago, I of course said no. A lot of people say he's past his prime.

You say you're cheap but are you "watch MLB playoffs on UniMas because you don't want to pay for TBS or HBO Max" cheap?

If antifa turns out to be a real organization and you guys didn't invite me, I'm going to be really upset.

He hasn't been seen in public since Tuesday and has no public events on the calendar today. Can we do another weekend of funny memes?

This was the best part of the movie

Everyone check your Signal chats, you may have gotten an invite to the generals meeting.

There's going to be a one-off Portlandia special about this, right?