"Cuz baby now we got bad blood," Taylor said infectiously.

"Shake it off," Taylor said tremblingly.

"We are never ever getting back together," Taylor said repellently.

You’re in her DMs, I’m in her carpe diems. We are not the same.

These new baby shoes are cuties,
But you’ve failed your writing duties.
What’s so sad about these booties?
Quoth the Ernest, “Never worn.”

Destitute Broadway Actor Breaks Into Song, Convenience Store

"Your ass is leaves of grass. And I'm a lawnmower."
—Walt Hitman

A good graveyard explosives squad will comb the tomb for a bomb with aplomb.

“You know what, asshole? You’re just like everyone else who has a problem with me: jealous as fuck of my horn.”
— Toxic Narwhalcissist

"Jazz" and "rock & roll" are two genres of music whose names derive from sexual references. Seems to be a distinctly twentieth century phenomenon.

[1705]
BACH: Hell yeah, I'm baroque. BAROQUE THAT BED FRAME.

HEARTWARMING: Returning soldiers surprise their families with air horns.

If you’re planning a trip to London, please remember:

It’s not pronounced “Thames”; it’s pronounced “Thames.”

‪Nothing is more frustrating than seeing someone skate by on their good looks and charm and intelligence and hard work and personality and accomplishments.‬

It was pretty presumptuous for Donkey to assume Shrek owned a waffle iron.

“Earth Girls Are Easy” has entered the chat.

‪If you stand in a dark bathroom and say “Dunning–Kruger” three times into the mirror, in three days you will die trying to install a new light switch.‬

MY BRAIN:
You have to take a cookie from the break room NOW! What if there's a famine? We need protection against the coming famine!!

ME:
Okay, okay.

MY BRAIN:
Not that one, it has raisins.

"That's fine. White people don't want to know how this spaceship wreckage worked anyway." -- Reverse discrimination/psychology/engineering

I’d watch a show where elon musk had to solve a sudoku puzzle to escape from a labyrinth.

Kids today have never picked up their car phone to perpetrate like they was talkin’.

I know this is corny, but in a way I feel like the thug life chose me.

Every issue of Cook’s Illustrated has a two-page spread of interesting kitchen tips and tricks, and one that’s like “After you open a peanut butter jar, save the lid! You can reattach it to keep the peanut butter fresh!”