@iambrandondiehl.bsky.social I’m a comedian, with adhd and a really big cat! How fun!

There are two wolves inside of me. One farts.
The other one enjoys the fart.

I’m supposed to believe that Kamala Harris didn’t win the election but the Target boycott is big enough to rip that company’s valuation down by 12 billion dollars. It’s not adding up.

Deep cut hot take: Gary Oldman sounds like Tootsie in
The 5Th Element

If it ain’t broke kid…

He’s like a Boston-based gossip blogger and dives deep on some really wild cases, that have a lot of twists and turns!

I’ve had the same headshot since 2009. Yes, I’ve changed but if you’re hiring me for my look- it’s likely a role I don’t want to play

Nothing is more Boston than all of us knowing who Turtleboy was before the Karen Read trail.

Arresting people at their scheduled immigration processing meetings is like arresting someone for shoplifting while they’re paying at the register.

I’m a twink but fat.

It’s like when you have food poisoning and you don’t know if it feels better to barf or shit.

TFW: you’re in your 20’s and get to wear sunglasses to your friends wedding and it changes your whole personality for the day

Dramagic!!!

It’s crazy that we accept that identical twins, where the egg and sperm basically clone itself but the idea of being trans is too much for people to wrap their heads around

If you think racists are “newly emboldened and coming out from under the rocks they’ve been hiding under”- sorry to tell you, you’ve been the one under the rock, they’ve always been here

I’d like to be cast in a pharmaceutical commercial, I’ll act like I have herpes if it means I get to have a fun weekend with the girls taking cooking classes and outdoor baths in the Grand Canyon

Trans women in sports isn’t unfair to cis women but making a dead woman stay on life support until a fetus can be pulled from her is.

While Louisa May Alcott is known for her feminist fiction like “Little Women”, she is gaining popularity in 1800’s pulp erotica for her lesser known title “Little Rimmin’”

98% of me is watching the Karen areas trial because I miss hearing South Shore Boston accents.
#Canht
#Bahth

I don’t know how to tell white women that liking Beyoncé isn’t a personality.

Ever get a phantom craving to stick your hand in a big buckets of Smokey Eagle Snacks and shove the whole thing in your mouth and wash it down with a big swig of Diet Coke? Me either 👀

The Dope

Breaking: Trump both arrested and deported the entire cast of
MST3k - standby as Fox News interprets exactly how this television show ties to the infamous gang!

I’m fixing to pull Susan Boyle- make myself look just so that even just a shred of talent gives me face lift and wig money for the rest of my life!!!!!

I long for the days when you could get rich by tricking your old highschool buddies into joining a pyramid scheme

A letter?
Nice job, Cuck Schumer
I’m sure it will fix it all.

And he said: “I’m Biggie Smalls of the Coney Island Smalls”
At that moment I knew. I knew the way you know about a good melon.

At 47, I’m sad to know the eggs in the supermarket are worth more than my eggs.