Evan Diem Human Man

Girls be like “he has to know I’m flirting with him, I have been acting so bizarre every time he’s around.”

Her: is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Me, ridiculously turned on by laundromats: you’re never gonna believe this

Second verse “if it had been a Muslim…”

White ladies love coughing and sneezing into their open palms

Meta Ray-Bans?? Oh, you mean Personal Pan Opticon??

Feminist Shakespeare be like:
Much a dude about nothing

Running a D&D campaign where my party has to travel into deep, dark crevices to fight all the big evil enemies.

I just wanna see if I can give someone multiple orc chasms.

If it were actually a good comedy they’d have called it “It’s Always Funny In Sillydelphia” but they didn’t

"Damn mercury retrograde got me fucked up 😩🤪🥴"

~ someone whose life is always like that

People really sleep on alcohol literally being poison. I know in terms of toxicity it is on the lower side of how much it kills you but still!

Someone will be like “man I drank too much last night and I feel terrible” like yes bro ye doth imbibed a poison most foul, tf!?

Putting a capo on your boobs to turn them from Bs to Cs

At the DMV updating to a REALSuperego

“I don’t trust people who don’t like dogs” I don’t trust you either, because you’re taking your cues from dogs which is exactly what Son of Sam did and look how that turned out

Using mosquitos to strategically put my blood into a slightly different location

Me and the homies taking shots of the stuff you put your Covid swabs in

“The cats pajamas” aka “business attire”

There’s no excuse for a cat being allowed to live to 20. You should not be having a 20th birthday party for an old-ass cat, you should be having a 5th or 6th memorial. Get real.

When someone is “goated with the sauce” it just means “well hydrated”

I got my blood drawn yesterday, I’m never going to vampire bingo ever again

It’s actually so dangerous to text and drive if you’re not doing swipe

This place really is dead. They don’t even clock that this IS a joke

Classic rock cover band show tonight, Doors at 7:30

What do you think is going on here that makes your first sentence seem like a reasonable opening line to a stranger?

The reason we use Red Dye 40 is because the first 39 killed you instantly

There needs to be a safe space for gay people who aren’t into drag or astrology

4/20 Easter He is Resin 🙏

goodbye going-on-a-walk-because-you-have-to season, hello going-on-a-walk-because-you-want-to season!!!!!

Jeff Goldblum ain’t cancelled?? Really?? I don’t even know if he did anything just with his energy,,,it just feels like he should be

Wow that’s p cool congrats!