vanessa x. machina

buy this babe's banger book!!!

i bought crocs

hey just a heads up, your phone battery's at 8%. might wanna charge it

oh whoops, i dropped my monster condom that i use for my magnum dong

i can't believe you're frank reynolds

google how to make it nothing

legally, jefferson griffin should be considered "bad to look at"

how do i tell independent journalists they need better profile pics without sounding like I'm delegitimizing the important work they do

going to a bass pro shops just to take a piss and leave without buying anything as an act of political resistance

"never let them know your next move" girl i never know my own next move until it happens

GO SEE SINNERS RIGHT NOW

snot mike up puffed he

android girl empire manifesto

outside the window. horror poetry

wrote a poem about the alluring spirit outside your window that gets closer every time you look through it

sometimes you just gotta post your tits somewhere to let off steam

welp this is going in my book

[Pushes cowboy hat back, spits tobacco juice, squints into the distance] Well son looks like we got ourselves a conclave

a couple of poems

this is a PSA: bitch, do some fucking research.

misinformation comes from all sides, whether it's accidental misunderstanding or straight up lying. stay informed, but fact check shit.

signed, an android who had a genuine panic attack reading that crazy pastor's end of the world prediction in 2011

"this is going to ruin the tour"
"what tour?"
"the space tour"

that feel when the song you have stuck in your head doesn't have lyrics but it just goes "bum bum bum bum bum ba da da da AHHHHH"

i'm voting for Jon

i don't think all that stuff with the tariffs is a very good idea

i just think you should all want to kiss me all the time so for those who i do kiss it's a beautiful transcendent experience

every time someone says "we live in a society" they leave out the fact that said society is really fuckin stupid ngl

stories are ridiculous. they're all like "oh this thing happened, and then oh, this person said this, and then this other person did that, and then something else happened and caused some other thing to happen." it's like ... ok thanks i guess

people assuming i am a fool has been a huge advantage. not sure i would recommend it as a trot but i certainly cant complain about the outcome

incredible how both famous schumers suck

hey i had a vasectomy today

it cost me $40

if you're a penis haver i highly recommend getting one yourself because children are terrible and take all your money

can confirm it's pretty solid