OneFastMac

I am near as makes no difference forty years old. The last thing I purchased online was fiber gummies to help me poop. If an app “for teenagers” asks me to prove how old I am I might burn down a city idk.

Even if I was a teen when I first logged in to Discord, I’d be drinking age now anyway!

I’ve started the same task about five times and each time I fail to make it past step one before doing literally anything else.

There is not enough coffee in the world to prop up this husk I call a body.

I can’t get over how amazing your suit looks 😍

You ever just fart so big it completely changes your outlook for the day?

I’ve been watching Game Grumps for a -loooooong- time and IMO the boys are better than they’ve ever been.

The latest vids have them playing Resident Evil 2, a game I grew up fearing immensely, and it soothes my soul to see them struggle to play it like I did and make jokes along the way.

Im going to a funeral tomorrow because my friend died over the Christmas holiday.
She was part of the family I found when I first moved here, 15+ years ago, when I had almost no one, and I am so sad that she’s gone.

Ok. I am obsessed with this snowglobe.

The Park City,KS KFC would like a word.
Just one word.
The word is “buffet”

you know, these days, many people time of year. but this season, try when to everything a special time — it just might become which with you

No, I haven’t been. But thanks for asking!

Family Christmas Eve, my 19 year old nephew arrived, doesn’t say hello, doesn’t say merry Christmas, but hits me with “have you been watching heated rivalry?”

My 2011 Ford Focus that I’ve owned since 2011 died last week. The repair bill would be more than the value of the car and I had neither the will nor the time to fix it alone. I sold it for scrap today and these are the last images I took before I left for work this morning.

Very intrigued by the Rachel Maddow straight guy aesthetic.

100% felt. I don’t even share cat videos with my husband anymore because they might not be real so I just sigh and keep scrolling.

that’s a butt

I’ll be the first to admit that my use of DoorDash is problematic, but lately all my “safe” places to order from have become shitty and now I’m just wasting $20 on a meal I don’t want to eat.

The perception of convenience falls apart pretty quick when the food ain’t even fooding anymore.

Hey you know what, I said it and I meant it and now everybody knows it’s true.

Oh, this app.

Hello, followers.

I don’t think I really needed Bluesky as much as I just wanted to feel like I was on 2009 twitter again and I just don’t think that is ever going to happen.

When I die I want to be cremated, loaded into a confetti cannon, and blasted into my friends’ faces while Mambo Number Five plays on a Bluetooth speaker.

If Apple released an iPhone that was everything it already is but didn’t have a camera bump, I would drive 1000 miles to buy it.

Why does Kash Patel always look like he’s getting a prostate exam that he didn’t study for?

Like most conservative white women in America, Marjorie Taylor Green is one ridiculous health insurance premium away from being a woke liberal.

Idk how much the average person SHOULD be farting, but damn I be farting a LOT.

I bet Steve Aoki has a crazy K/D ratio.

Suddenly craving a fist full of Tylenol

One of my favorite things to do is when people whisper something to me that they don’t want other people to hear, I respond in my normal speaking voice.

I need something new to scream into.

My body is a machine that turns good food into shid pants