Matt Hyams

I Like to Almost Kill People by Driving Past Them at 125 mph in My Modified Honda Accord Everyone’s got their thing. For some, it’s baking. Others, gardening. Me? I like to take a modified Honda Accord, drive over 100 mph, and swerve be...

Psyched to get into McSweeney’s for the 2nd time - only took 11 years!

Thank you to Megyn Kelly for finally asking, “What is appropriate pedophilia?”

#megynkelly #epsteinfiles #epsteinemails #epsteinlist

People are always asking me what my day looks like as a successful social media influencer, so here’s a sneak peek.

Wake up, sheeple!

If you hold any kid under 5 upside down, raisins will pour out of them.

New study finds that being on the phone with T-Mobile top cause for people’s dreams not manifesting.

Swim at your own risk!

They said I had a mission.

*Remote therapy*

Patient: And I realized I‘ve been abused my whole life.

Wi-Fi connection goes out: therapist unfreezes.

Therapist: You cut out, sorry, what were you saying?

Taking people away from their families is like any muscle - you have to practice it to keep in shape.

Ah right. Thank you.🙏

Google’s response to any question:

“Where are you?”

Walked by 2 guys having a conversation and one said, “It’s a very cynical look at the future” and the other said, “I like cynical” and I stopped and said, “Oh, DO you?”

I don’t get it.

What do you do with bag clips that keep breaking? Life hack inside 👇

Whenever I walk by a homeless person asking me for money, but whose mind is intact, I always say, “Sorry I prefer my homeless crazy”

He’s always bothering me when I’m trying to remember him the way he used to be.

🙌 you won’t go back.

Do what I do, son: hope for the best.

Astrologers: what’s happening right now planetarily has never happened before, so this is a VERY special time.

Life: It will feel the same as all other days.

When you’re trying to figure out if your therapist voted for Trump…

When your job is tearing families apart but your wife needs you to run an errand.

Small time life hack: pick it up.

Still waiting for a “sign” that it’s time to leave the country?

If Trump told his base to eat their own feces, there’d be influencers posting recipes by noon.

Very exciting rebrand for Moms for Liberty!

Here’s a recap of what’s been going on…

Can You Teach a 6-Year-Old Positivity? Watch This!

IVF is a beautiful process. The man masturbates in a clinic while the woman goes crazy from hormone shots and you almost get divorced.

#ParentingHumor
#IVFJourney
#StandUpComedy

😂 it works if you believe!