Ariel Elias

Older generations:
*sigh* a house is not a home

Millennials and Gen Z:
OK BUT YOU HAVE A HOUSE THOUGH

Touché to this woman. Please be my friend 😬

Don't sit in the front row at my shows unless you're ready for me to respect that you came to watch a show, not be a part of it, but yeah I might high five you at some point when I tell this one joke

Ok fine I'll bite
-new zombies

Right after my husband and I met, we had this conversation

Have we tried unplugging the government and plugging it back in?

Women aren't attracted to men who are taken because we want what we can't have, it's literally just because someone finally started dressing them better.

It feels like it's all being run by every kid who refused to do any work during the group project.

Yom kippur is the holiday that I, as a woman, am best at. I'm constantly apologizing and trying but failing to eat less.

I'm not a bot but I am really good at ignoring all previous instructions

*sees a journalist being murdered*
comedians: who books that?

I'm in the Italian countryside and I have to say my phone looks so beautiful here.

Our government is going after Tylenol, which makes this the second time Bayer benefits from Nazis.

There are people who think Trump isn't a religious man. Oh yeah? Well then why does he have one very specific thing in common with the Catholic Church?

Regular new year is like, find someone to kiss and toast with champagne! Jewish new year is like, let's maybe lower those expectations, grab an apple from the grocery store and donate your least wanted canned goods.

Less dropping of a ball, more dropping of the ball

We eat apples and honey for the new year. It symbolizes in our culture the desire for a sweet new year, and also the importance of fiber.

Jews celebrate our new year in the fall because we like to know way ahead of everyone else that this year is not gonna be our year.

"I never thought this could happen here" and other phrases people who aren't Jewish say

what

Rap? Sure.

I have a particular set of skills, but it's just the ability to always open the eyebrow pencil/brush combo from the wrong end literally every time.

Not enough

I'll keep running my mouth until I'm not allowed anymore. Otherwise what's the point

Trump being obsessed with late night comedy is how I know he's so unbelievably old

Once the little mermaid got on land, how long do we think she waited before sending feet pics

The only thing aging worse than these clips of Joe Rogan talking about free speech is Joe Rogan.

My two late night credits are Kimmel and Colbert. Now I get why Fallon hasn't had me on.

If you see that I follow toxic accounts on Instagram, don't worry, I'm just trying to guarantee that I never get shown their content.

Kash Patel is too concerned with quantico over qualico