Jess

watching multiple 30+ year old women in my life going through their first fandom psychosis because of #heatedrivalry

As in, discovering ao3 for the first time and reading fics.

Wild

GOALIE FIGHT!!!!

Genuinely it is a crime against the sanctity of marriage to steal your spouse’s star in Mario Party if they are not in fist place. Right? RIGHT? I’m about to get a divorce yall

Multiple of my girl friends this year are having their husbands dress up as a man their costume character kills. Reinforcing the theory that women just want one thing and that’s to role play killing a man.

when you ask your husband to check in on an admin related task and then you follow-up and they already handled it, whew. A high like no other.

I also love when this guy is going through a body dismemberment he’s just like “oh man, oh boy!”

The fact that Terrifier 3 is over 2 hours seems so unnecessary

The only guaranteed way to get my father to text me back
#gobears

if I’m reaaaally hormonal I like to tell my husband he needs to validate my emotions by agreeing that I’m an ugly monster just to watch the internal war he goes through

Still makes me irrationally infuriated when I have to hear 7 hours of “redzone” football instead of “uninterrupted” football

My favorite clingy girl

anytime I try to call my mom the chat and she’s busy it’s just like ???? you’re not supposed to have a life outside of waiting by the phone for me, the favorite child, to call.

Me: *cooks homemade meal*

Husband: *takes one bite and doesn’t immediately say anything*

Me: Oh so you hate it and me and probably want a divorce, then?

sometimes I’ll have a super expensive fancy 5-course meal and think “wow this was so innovative and amazing” then the next day I’ll have bread and butter and realize that nothing will ever be as good as bread and butter.

meal cancelled I’ve already been fed

Buttered noodles are sooo good when there isn’t a man in your ear saying it needs a protein

my I present my favorite stupid #mtg card that I love with my whole heart

Just bought a new #mtg deck and tell me why the cards are so flimsy 😭

I fear I play too much Magic cause I know exactly what cards I have that I could play this with

Forever in awe of how this man can take every raw human emotion and bottle it into a novel.
#booksky

I still haven’t come to terms with that fact that I legally married someone who told me very seriously that their all time favorite movie is Stomp the Yard

you ask a man to handle a very minor social-coordinating task and all the sudden it’s “idk if I wanna go that bad”

I’ve been battling my brother for ownership of this rug for years. I’m making moves he won’t even see coming.

Playoff hockey, playoff basketball, will to live restored

Shoutout lemonade, gotta be the best most goated drink of all time

been feeling an insane lvl of romance about sports lately spurred by an argument with a friend in which I tried to explain that sports & art are equally important to humanity&community, in the sense that they only have the value we apply to them, built off people who commit their life to their craft

It’s always the fact that I’m having a bad hair day that is the tipping point for me crashing out over other more serious life woes

How to support your wife 101

My credit card really hates to see a bar with TouchTunes coming

Sharks may be bad but I’m all in on their young talent