flor 🌻

took a nap and dreamt that i was skinny and could feel my bones again. yeehaw

took up herbal smokes thinking i could switch but i might just have a more complex smoking addiction now. keeping things real

i have such a hunger for body ideals and similarly i have a fixation on food. i wish both needs could be met without focusing on extremes. i can't do the body positivity mindset. i'm stuck in this cycle and its like a curse

idk it makes me feel a little less alone to know that everyone usually struggles with food at some point in their lives, though mine is in the context of a chronic ed, it's just not any pinpointed person's fault. i just wish i had a real outline of how i could fix this problem thats realistic.

when i was in recovery mode i did do some research and i really think that obesity rates skyrocketing could largely be to rigidity around food bc of diet culture, trauma, and illness.

the new era of focus on thinness is definitely sad because i know that my generation that grew up in the early 2000's (millenials, gen z) had it difficult with body image. its cultivating body hatred in another generation. i don't think people understand the weight of words.

it's definitely really, really hard. i still hope someday i can crack the code to recovery, but even my body is so used to this now.

Clown images meme of person slowly dressing like one. The text is of "excuses" to avoid admiting an ED relapse. Text from top to bottom reads " it's not a relapse, it's intermittent fasting, it's not a relapse, it's OMAD, it's not a relapse until my BMI hits the magic number, it's not a relapse b/c I was lying for attention and never had an ED to begin with"

#lemonwatersky #edbsky #butterflyana #thinspo #edbsky #ednotsheeran #edtwt #edmemes #caterpillarsky

i hope i can be released from this hell carousel someday but today is not the day. i'm not going to sugar coat a relapse it is what it is

"i've been restricting my food intake but i can be thin & still heal my relationship with food" "hmm even liv schmidt isn't as thin as i want to be" "ok maybe this isn't a choice"

current stats
5'5"
SW 128.20 lb / bmi 21.3 (CW)
LW 109lb / bmi 18.1
HW 181 lb / bmi 30.1

i may keep a visual intake accountability on here. i do high res, starting at 1,200 cals first and my tdee is like 1750 so i have to keep at least that deficit for like 3 months so i can be thin again for summer... not that i care what time of the year it lands on. here we go again.

relapsing, i was previously on edtwt with a different name. i don't follow back minors. tw ed