Mel Johnson

No YOU find Bugs Bunny sexually attractive.

Do you make a boot strong enough to kick Elon Musk into the sun? I will buy it! DM me.

What does it look like for Kevin at school? He has a friend who got his ass kicked for wearing dinosaur pajamas. Is that because he goes to that religious school and dinosaurs are considered a myth?

I always assumed these events happened over a whole week. But they take place over three days. THREE DAYS. Is he always this productive?

Why aren’t the police called to the house when a pizza delivery boy is shot at with a machine gun? Has this family been banned by Little Nero’s?

How did Old Man Marley cut the absolute shit out of his hand? Why does he slam it down menacingly on the counter at eye level with a child?

The phones are fixed by day 2, which means they tried calling their house for one day and then stopped trying? Even if Kevin is a psychopath and doesn’t answer the phone, why doesn’t it ring? Does no one ever call their house?

According to Kate (Kevin, I’m on the phone), they have a dog. The dog is in the kennel for the holidays, but what kind of dog is it? Is it better behaved than their terrible children? How does it get along with Uncle Frank? What’s its name?

Is their decor red and green all year round? Do they go this hard decorating for Halloween? Or Easter? Do they keep the decorations in the garage when they’re not in use? That garage is pretty crammed with shitty cars to fit all that decor, even in well-organized bins.

I have so many questions about the rest of the year in the McCallister family. What does it look like the other 11 months in that house?

This is a real product.

A 90’s kid can sing you upwards of 30 TV theme song bangers from that era. A 2020’s kid is going to be unstoppable at belting out pharmaceutical jingles.

I’m the person who would sing along to Wicked in the theater. I will, out of respect, be staying home. You are all very welcome.

A missed opportunity if I ever saw one is having Sam Elliot narrate a Fritos commercial without ever having him say the product name. FREE-toes. FREE-toes. Try not hearing that in his voice.

Just heard that Toonces, the Driving Cat is being considered for head of the department of transportation. At least he hasn’t diddled any kids.