Chainsaw Lawyer

I need to have these printed out to give to gentrifiers

Your honor, IDGAF. Defense rests.

Cigar + Tecate = A good Saturday night for an elder millennial

I keep a box of these in my trunk to give to deserving folks

Is it just me or does Mayor Whitmire look like a really pink Nosferatu?

I don't normally like to brag but this morning in trial I did a voir dire so good that the state motioned for a dismissal and claimed that the officer suddenly realized his memory wasn't as good as he thought

Really living my best life rn

It sure is fascinating how much of my job is basically trying to keep the government from extorting poor people

Anyway, don't forget to stand up and put your hand over your heart when they play the national anthem

If you're ever feeling like you aren't up to whatever task it is you're facing, remember this:

A person with a fancy title and a big salary decided to have a factory full of people put a shaker top on whole bay leaves.

I promise, you'll do just fine.

No one likes being inundated with ads, yet somehow they're everywhere. How exactly did this happen?

Explain it to me like I'm a second grader.

I hate sounding like an old man but 27 bucks for a snow cone for your kid at a monster truck show is why I'm going to be grumbling and complaining this week. That and back pain. But at least ibuprofen isn't twentyfuckenseven dollars

How many people do you suppose Boeing will have to assassinate after all these crashes?

I keep those packets on me for when I have to eat road food at restaurants where they don't season their food

If anyone tells you they're from Louisiana but they don't have a bottle of this in their kitchen, they're a cop

"Sir, is your phone number enrolled in our rewards program?"

"I really hope not."

Stepping on someone smaller than you doesn't make you taller, and hurting someone weaker than you doesn't make you stronger.

Tag a bully who needs to hear this

Oh shit, I forgot my Facebook password. I need to practice my sad face in case any boomers ask

Are there questions you'd like to ask a lawyer? Hit me up if you want me to make videos answering those questions

And if you want it confidential, inbox me at Remington@TexasChainsawLawyer.com

I feel like there's a second part to this.

Are you a man? If so, leave her alone is always the answer.

Every time you confess to a crime online, a fed gets their wings.

Also, my friend Swim smashed that order button faster than the ADL defended Hitler salutes.

Welcome to the cool kids' club

A lot of people seem to think they need big trucks and SUVs to navigate bad weather.

*Laughs in cheap Volkswagen

Looking back at the times before smartphones, I didn't realize how good we had it

Same principle applies I assume. Is there a creative way to make it less profitable?

Do trains stop and block roads where you live? Have you noticed how they don't do that in rich neighborhoods?

Here are 3 interesting but unrelated facts:

1 It's done because it's profitable

2 They'll stop when it's no longer profitable

3 Creativity makes humanity great

This is not legal advice

I should have known this day was coming back when chronic back pain started. Unfortunately I am now old enough to find Dickens entertaining. Entertaining enough to highlight in my e-reader.

Send me out to pasture.

I've had mine for a little over a year and it comes with me everywhere

Looking mighty tempting in this traffic

I'm inclined to think that men who respond this badly to rejection need to ask themselves why they feel so entitled to women's attention

2/2

3. My personal favorite was Dolly Parton singing about how she'll always love you. Very wholesome and far more accepting than most churches

4. The collection bowl pays for some rich jerk to get richer. My tip goes directly to someone who actually needs it.

Do better, evangelicals

1/2

Today we went to Waffle House instead of church and I have notes

1. Serving a full breakfast takes the edge off of the cheap coffee

2. The jukebox gives a far better sermon than most ministers ever do