dennis illinois

well he's back laying siege upon my front porch and brought more guys with him. i called the cops but was told most peaceful way to avoid bloodshed is to invite them in and give them the front half of the house where all the bedrooms are. but at least ill be safe in my garage

guy broke into my house to steal my tv. i grabbed my bat and hit him over the head but he shot me in the leg and killed my whole family. the judge said home invaders have a right to defend themselves especially if they believe in the god given right to return to the holy land that is your house

it's wild to me that to some people believing in god means you live your life striving to be kind and honest to others and then to some other people believing in god means you can reset your body count to zero

i hope this email finds you and kills you

no! no! no! no!

i love you nyc for having the worst "newspaper" printing simply the best front page ever existed

coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine. haha just kidding!! my shits fucked

what the hell is happening here

how im dressed on my way to break up with your boyfriend

not sure if it's brown girls' fault that you are a fucking loser lol

when you live your whole life believing that being white should automatically grant you +5 racial bonus to being attractive, your crush dating a brown woman tends to feel like your personal 9/11

im normal

check dm

aoife without the ability to walk is like 100x personal 9/11 to you

what the hell

every time i get on a very crowded train coming from ohare, i've gotten awfully good at standing near the people who look like they would get off at logan square so i can get a seat. 9/10 i am correct. my logan square resident radar is insane

bizarre dream that france got a new king and they are crowning him with a beret on live television

spent $3.99 on one of these low sugar gummy candy out of sheer curiosity and it made me wanna k word myself

there's so much libposting on this platform i have migraine

tell me how far off am i: it's for fb people stuck in 2012 and also deeply unfunny

there is discourse on threads??????

dawg i am watching a breakup happening in real time rn on twitter from both ppl being my mutuals and it's embarrassing

im getting my ass into a union one way or another !!!!!!!!!1

new hormonal IUD is making my boobs bigger for 1 week out of the month but it's also giving me boob pimples. the lord gives and the lord takes away

an old couple holding hands walking around in the daley plaza pointing at buildings. romance is not dead

missed my bus by a minute. gonna have to kill myself

centrists are unbelievable sometimes

i think the #1 metric i use to measure the intelligence of a rich person is how good they are at staying away from the internet. just fucking opacity fades from the public eye once they've made their millions. if i won the lottery you would never fucking hear from me ever again

keanu reeves probably

UCLA literally stands for U C a Lot of Asians. why would you embarrass yourself and my people like this on tv lol