Miiiiiiike

If I had a bank, I would just give 10k to ten account holders each month so vote for me for bankman

ngl all of a sudden super h*rny for space women

In my dreams last night, I had an emotional support puddle of benzene…no telling how that would be transported

“As you can imagine, young Jesus Christ did not have a normal upbringing”—the GG Allin doc I’m watching

Working on a noir detective novel, gonna call it Mr. Potato Head and the Dead City Heat

It’s every young person’s dream to go to chocolate bar camp, they also have ice cream sandwiches there

Watching my 32nd Hong Sang-Soo film today, and yes, just as you guessed, alone

Continually embarrassed; when will I ever learn? The dress code?!? I keep showing up to the black tie event wearing nothing but charcuterie

The vegan burrito gardens of the neighbourhood are no longer safe

Me: [at the restaurant, bathed in soup, looking rather pleased w/myself, noticing the horror in your gaze] this is why I don’t wear white

Went to a restaurant this weekend and a friend served me, felt just like I was in the movies!

I feel you palpäl, after I’ve had my serving of 8, I just change the 3 to an 8 with a marker (or I could if I cared)

Torontomans reintegration into society plot, point 72:

Instead of saying, “YO CRODIE—YR GRANDMA’S THA THROAT GOAT”

Say, “hello sir, your grandmother is unparalleled in the art of fellatio”

That’s so super cool, Andy! Chuck is tops, love this Wand period with the Maxine Brown duets AYOYE

All you gotta do is rearrange the letters, the man’s real name is Lone Skum #themoreyouknow #incelalert

@flavorflav.bsky.social hey how do you REALLY feel about daylight savings time?

I would like to be woken up by a cute kitten dropping a couple crisp hundreds onto my chest but I’ll take eTransfer as well 🐈

If pepper spray is illegal, then surely leper spray should be as well. Only a certified professional should administer the leprosy spray

Like origami paper to an armless man, these are the days of our lives

Today on Pie Thoughts: could really go for a Saskatoon berry pie, but you know somethin’ folks, I gotta admit I’ve never tried huckleberry…are they similar? Have a magical Monday mfers✨🌴✨

Ah dreamland, where I’m a flying samouraï, desperately seeking a urinal

Intricate gingerbread house with candy shingles

Once I’m on death row, I’ll instantly put in my request for last meal

Full disclosure, to my 22 followers…I have been using performance enhancers to create these gems hmu if you need to get loud🥬🥬

Did I just dream up Cookie Water™️? If it already exists EWW

One good thing about the past is all those pies…boy we sure had some good ones, key lime, cherry, lemon meringue…where did they all go?!

Alas, at times sleeping ‘twixt nine pillows and two comely courtesans doth no longer suffice; I am in need of greater comfort to stave off the gnawing of solitude

New destination: any timeline where the spork is more popular and I have a full set of genitals

Marcos Valle behind his Rhodes piano, October 3rd, 2024 in Montréal

A club that opens one room at a time; we let the first 20 into my living room where I take all phones and we watch Christmas in July (1940), free popcorn. Next room opens and it’s just Marcos Valle playing his Rhodes, requests taken

Well I guess I suspected something was up when she barely took a bite of the meal I made for her, brown rice fusilli and Mikeballs™️…what am I doing wrong?!?

Out of the 30 languages I profess to speak, only ten are made up