sandman’s lament

do you think vaping one 5% nicotine juul pod per day is affecting blood flow to my dick

my ex, who was hurt and surprised that I could “move on so quickly” is now dating someone. and you know what. I’m happy for him

I don’t know what the fuck is happening anymore I gotta go to work

happy 8 months to my sexy foot queen

they are watching the rest of the birds

I’m watching a woodpecker scurry up and down a tree

ya

me and my wife the first time we go to Margaritaville

hello my pussy juices are flowing

my coworker gave me a clown and I put it outside today. it’s one of those ones where if u lay it down it blinks. her name is clementine

nobody favs my shit on Twitter anymore

it does but I don’t want to do anything

thank u babygirl. I’m gonna go to this new place in town it’s like a cute little cocktail lounge and they have hot Cheeto mozzarella sticks and charcoochie

wish my wife was sucking on my tits rn

I shouldn’t have to tattoo a shrimp on someone on my birthday I should get to lie in bed forever and goink my wangus

Actually maybe I want my tits but I want them to be like…banging hot crazy tits I don’t know should I go to Tijuana

I’m just chilling and thinking about how much I love my nipples but I don’t want my tits

I don’t think I want my tits anymore

no shit. What were they doing here?

it’s wash your monkey thursday

hell yeah brother

my ex took the dog (I wanted him to) and now the cats and I are at peace without the dog’s hall monitor energy

(rocking chair, mumbling) Brita filter do be getting funky

guy at work today showed me a flyer for a show called Cave Hole and the venue was called Gunk House

took an double dose of ex lax last night and boy does that shit WORK

babe I think it’s because I’m becoming so handsome and chiseled. but also thank u this made my day

oh my god she’s going to smoke weed

today was good I posted a story asking if anyone had an extra ticket to chat pile and this chick I don’t know that’s friends w one of the openers got me on the guest list god is sooo fuckong good

have to go to a meeting at work today (on my day off) so I’m deciding that I will look very sexy since I don’t have to wear a hat and crocs