a.j. ⚧ 🛸

getting #high on #weed and #lyingdown in the #street

charlie kirk kinda had pooner face to be h— [is drawn and quartered by my dearest friends]

you’re brave and completely correct and if they crucify you for that it’s because you’re a prophet

God, I’m suddenly remembering why this site is so fucking annoying. You’re all so precious and sensitive about dealing with right wingers. Crash out central, no common sense. No cogsec. Loads of vulnerable narcissism and self-coddling. Develop a soldier’s mindset if you want to go to war.

It was interesting that fully clothed non white women dancing was considered "pornographic".

And so he's far away, "stacking bread" as the zoomer boys say. As for me, I don't know where I'm going next. I could stay up here but I've considered moving, possibly even across the country. But no matter where I go, one thing is certain & so true: I am a psychic consultant, and a life coach™💙

So, being here while I'm trying to make Content doesn't make sense for him (or me, frankly). We both got very soy & gay, and cried a lot. Mushy, sentimental stuff about all of the absolutely bananas shit we endured together. I told him if he ever wants to pursue those dreams for real, I'll be here.

Then, one day a few weeks ago, M sits me down & tells me that he found a solid gig in another state, & he was moving. This took me a little by surprise, but it also made sense. During our alone time it became clear quickly that he wasn't at a point in life where he feels ready to be publicly OTD.

So I was doing a lot of actual healing, not only psychologically, but physically & spiritually. I had a horrific autoimmune disease for years that is now in remission, & I've never been more at peace with myself in the state of this crazy ass world. I'm not crashing out, I'm normalmaxxing.

Of course I kept tying myself into knots for friendships, jobs, & relationships with parties who treated me like dogshit. I was treated that way my whole life, & held a core belief that I'm dogshit! So I constructed a new personality built on new belief: I'm actually pretty cool & fuck those people.

I suddenly developed this insane emotional armor. I thought back on all the times at a tender age when I needed just one adult to decide to be normal & take care of me & was met with an unstable person confusing a first grader with a therapist & punching bag & how that warped my entire sense of self

There were some bad things. Mostly my family trying to conjure up drama for no reason, due to boredom & lack of emotional intelligence. That got easier to endure though, as I learned how to regulate my nervous system. I realized that I wasn't "mentally ill", I'm just my crazy family's scapegoat.

M was very sweet through all of that. Didn't judge me at all for falling apart in private as I took that time to actually process the nightmare of a life I'd been living before, filled with toxic relationships, substance abuse, frequent sexual violence, familial estrangement, miserable jobs.

Somatic therapy did wonders. Holy shit, was my body keeping score. It was keeping score of shit I didn't even know was in there. On the outside I looked pretty unstable. Withdrawn & crying a lot. Relatives more interested in judging than helping tried to monitor me, but I kept them at arms length.

I got real deep not only into my own trauma, but experienced a full blown spiritual/existential crisis. The silent, slow days brought up a lot of stuff to the surface. Without access to regular healthcare, I decided to DIY my own recovery. I focused on somatic exercise this time, & therapeutic art

A part of me felt anxious and bad about this, like I was wasting time. I started saying things to myself like, "see, they were right. you don't have what it takes to work for yourself". But I held onto the idea that I'd circle back to normalmaxxing eventually. I was preoccupied with other thoughts.

Life slowed to a snail's pace. I slept a lot, and M & I spent a lot of time cooking together & browsing thrift shops. I reacquainted myself with nature & started swimming laps at a local casino gym. Finally binged all of Breaking Bad, at M's insistence. Worked odd jobs occasionally for spare $.

But just like I was totally disillusioned with the life I had just left, M was also beyond fed up with what he left behind. What happened next ended up being some of the happiest months of my life. The two of us just clowned around this old house & sparse rust belt region, hanging out & bonding.

So, I decided to tune the world out & take a break from life. I kind of wanted to work on stuff, but M was also emotionally exhausted. The frummie-to-OTD pipeline is inherently traumatic. Frum communities ensure it stays that way. They want it to suck as much as possible so you feel trapped.

M really had no love at all for the circles my ex had us running in & said he would never want to hang out with that crowd anyway. I realized that he was right. I had been surrounded by pretentious assholes who didn't actually like me. I realized even before my marriage, that was the case.

I realized in that moment that this OTD bochur was the only damn friend I had in the world at this turn in my life. So I gave up, locked my social media, & headed up to the middle of nowhere with him. He was really comforting, actually. Told me anyone who believed that story is clearly an idiot.

They told others in our social circle all the things they'd said to my relatives, but added in a retconned narrative that actually, I'm abusive & had been exploiting them for years,& I attempted to groom them into sex work. I tried to speak up for myself a little, but it fell on mostly deaf ears.

I leveraged the fact that my uncle had 2 really bad divorces & told him that my ex was just vindictive & those were all lies. Once again, this worked. Suddenly plans were in motion again, but my spirit was broken. I was humiliated, & my ex was manufacturing even more lies to cover up what happened.

I said to M that I wasn't going to ditch him, & that I'd promised to keep him sheltered & I meant that. Even if I got fucked out of the sweet deal I'd had before, I had to be loyal to my new friend who saved me from this awful marriage. I said to my uncle that I needed to stay with M, & he folded.

We, of course, had no plans to do that at all. That's insane. Not that it would have been illegal in any way, but come on. At first, my uncle insisted he wanted me to come up alone. But I looked at M, & knew I couldn't send him back to the situation he was in before. I had to trust my gut.

I had to do some damage control after this because my ex swore to my uncle that if he let us move in that the 2 of us would be doing OF together in his house, & he got freaked out. Suddenly I was being asked a bunch of gross & very invasive questions. I was no longer entitled to sexual privacy.

So M waited outside with his suitcase while I sorted it out. My aunt realized after seeing me that this whole thing stunk of shit, & told my "friend" to get lost & said to my ex that they needed to leave immediately. Once they were gone, I told M it was safe to come back & he did. We were both dizzy

The now-former friend was barking all these concocted lies & accusations at M & said if he didn't leave & "never speak to me again" the cops would be called & that I was going to a psych ward on an involuntary hold. My ex said they would corroborate these lies to cops & no one would believe M.

That was the most traumatizing part. Picking apart my work pages with blood relatives, who were (thankfully) more disturbed by my ex's freak behavior than my sordid private life. But nevertheless phase 2 of whatever the fuck this was involved an attempt to kick M out on the street with nowhere to go