ricdro

The Onion: How to Join ICE

STEP 1 Be born with something just…missing STEP 2 Try deporting a few neighbors without the constitutional authority to do so, to see if it’s for you STEP 3 Unlearn any secondary languages you may know STEP 4 If filling out the application form presents a challenge, candidates may instead demonstrate how hard they can punch a dog

How to Join ICE

theonion.com/how-to-join-...

a matador's goal is to avoid physical contact

Sex workers posting wildly incorrect WW2 rage bait to get people to click on their bio instead of thirst traps is the funniest anecdote you can tell about this place

posting on X the everything app now is basically

YOU: *posts some anodyne liberal take*

SOME GUY: here's a picture of you in your house last night

tbf almost no one here thinks we live in a democracy

it's so funny to see America's health insurance companies be like "look. If there's one thing we love it's denying you care. but we ran the numbers - and we cannot BELIEVE we're saying this - and it's cheaper for us to just pay for the vaccines than deal with you going to the ER."

Look, they do not have the capacity or competence to do this at the scale they want you to fear they do, and your fear is precisely their greatest force multiplier. Everybody who is cowed into silence by their threats allows them a smaller pool to focus on.

This is simply untenable. There is no way forward with media and political classes captured by the right. Every time someone commits a crime you have to pray it's not an undesirable or it's purge time, then when it turns out to be themselves again they just shrug and wait for the next one.

ON TV TONIGHT (columns for 8:00, 9:00, 10:00) ABC: Attack On America America Attacked America In Crisis America Still In Crisis NBC: A Nation Looks Around For Someone To Hit America On The Verge Of Flying Off The Handle America's Time Of Trial: Who Fucking Wants Some? You? Do You? How 'Bout You? CBS Dan Rather's 83rd Straight Hour On The Air Dan Rather Seriously Loses His Shit Medicating Dan Rather BET Wartime At The Apollo Tavis Smiley Presents: Terrorists Strike America-The White Man Finds Somebody Else To Fear And Demonize For A Change MTV The 100 Greatest, But, In Light Of Recent Events, Not As Important As Being Good To Our Loved Ones, Videos Of All Time Yo! MTV Extends Its Condolences Talking To Blink 182 About The Tragedy Carson Daly In Way Over His Head Lifetime Golden Girls Golden Girls Golden Girls Golden Girls Golden Girls Golden Girls History Last Tuesday In History Two Weeks Ago, As Told By Those Who Lived It Last Tuesday In History (rerun)

Behold, the best 9/11 humor of all time: The Onion's TV listings (my favorite row is MTV)

Tapping the sign

Monday: I wish it was Friday. Friday: I wish I was dead. Death: Hell yeah work sucks

hell yeah

Here's a version that was archived.

archive.org/details/60-m...

Google's Gemini AI tells a Redditor it's 'cautiously optimistic' about fixing a coding bug, fails repeatedly, calls itself an embarrassment to 'all possible and impossible universes' before repeating 'I am a disgrace' 86 times in succession

I'll admit, I was skeptical when they said Gemini was just like a bunch of PhDs. But I gotta admit they nailed it.

I wish Trump wasn’t so evil because he is also the funniest person who has ever lived

Finally a radio station for him

you have my vote, Andrew Cuomo!

A pic of the side of a feed bag. It says, "HOG GROWER" "15% crude protein, 3% fat"

Y'all have poisoned my pure grass touching mind

by age 30 you should:

- have a bluesky
- post 100 times a day minimum
- be 36 actually

Eat Pant Bart

This is better than any art AI has ever made

lmao

it is very funny that whenever conservatives talk about ending wokeness it’s 90% of the time about making advertisements they want to jack off to

TIL: When the Original Star Wars Trilogy finally aired on Chilean TV in 2003, the network spliced custom beer commercials into the films themselves to avoid cutting to commercial breaks.

these additional scenes turn Obi-Wan & Luke into raging space alcoholics who are constantly shotgunning booze.

the coolest part about the elmo hacked posts is that the most insane people online are treating elmo like he’s a real guy

The U.S. Defense Department just gave this company $200 million.