Middle Aged Girl Dad

His Weekly Show interview... yikes. Especially juxtaposed with AOC two weeks before.

Just yikes.

Out shopping for makeup with whole family.

Wife is trying new foundations.

Wife: How do I look? Is it too pale?

Me: I'm literally the least qualified person in this room to answer that.

Wife (to Oldest): What do you think?

Oldest: You look like Voldemort.

Or 3 or them.

*eye twitches*

Several large subredddits on Reddit has banned Twitter as a result of the Nazi salute.

As a result, there's an uptick in sign-ups and some content creators starting to move over.

The Bunny yawned last night and it was so cute I think I might have diabetes.

Or that's just the 5th Avenue bars.

Congratulations!

Marriage and a family. Oh man the best is yet to come :) It's an amazing ride.

Except Hickory and Dock, right?

Right?

A year ago I started waking up oldest by blasting "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" on Alexa.

You'll never guess what my kids love to do to me on Saturday mornings now.

Touche small humans.

Oldest has started taking showers instead of baths.

She clocked in at about 15 minutes per shower right off the bat.

I immediately melted into a puddle of Dad goo and started twitching on the floor mumbling about utility bills and not touching the thermostat.

Good Lord that was a nasty one too!

Wife took Oldest to doctor for a persistent cough.

Doctor: It's just a virus that's going around. No need to worry.

Wife: Whew thank goodness.

Doc: How is everything else Oldest?

Oldest: Good! But there's no food in our fridge.

Wife: Melts into puddle of wtf.

(There's plenty of food here).

Yes, and everyone knows that being encased in metal is bad for explosions.

That's why grenades are made out of cardboard.

Hey I'd be happy with this!

Santa built a vanity for oldest for Christmas.

6. Hours.

It was like the final boss of Christmas assembly.

Worth it though. It's her favorite gift.

Yes and report back!

Lies. You signed a wonderful book for me just a week ago. Got it yesterday.

Proudly wrapped about 10 presents last night and put them under the tree, excited to not only get a head start, but to pretty up the tree as well.

I forgot I had a psychopathic Tasmanian devil 3 year old.

Rookie mistake.

Middle was out sick most of the week, and for the first time ever, (predictably) bombed her end of week spelling test.

She missed 4 of the days.

She got Wednesday correct.

How. Just how.

Fa Bi De!

(Beware of Chicken reference for those who don't know)

Don't know if I've ever seen one. Always seems to have a tasteful cloud cover.

I pay the $15 a month for the extended version, I value this newsletter so much.

I can't say enough positive things about it.

Same. 13 year old account.

Mainly used for hobbies, football, and boardgames now.

Vastly different place than it used to be.

Children eating dinner at home:

Oldest: We forgot to pray.
Middle: May I please have some more milk.
Youngest: Thank you!

Children at a restaurant:

Oldest: I HAVE A NEW POOP JOKE
Middle: Crawls under table
Youngest: Uses salt shaker and twisty straw to summon an eldritch horror from outside time.

Middle just told me that "Mom makes better chicken soup".

It's Campbell's. It's always Campbell's.

Does anyone want a free child?

They stink on ice, don't get me wrong.

However, Trump has lost more cases before the SC than any other President in a long long time.

They are not his lickspittles. They're evil, but not HIS evil.

Except Thomas and Alito natch.

3 months of practice, $500 in shoes and leotards and fees, 2 bouquets of flowers, 2 gallons of makeup and glitter, and 1 3 hour afternoon show later...

and the 6 minutes of ballet onstage at the Nutcracker is complete.

I don't understand this activity. Send help.

Me: Candy today is terrible. You kids don't know what you're missing.

Oldest: Ok Dad.

Me: Here let me see that. I'm telling you it'll be gross.

Me: *Steals Nerds Gummy*

Me: ....

....

*sheds tear at the beauty of the depth of human ingenuity and the forward march of progress*

As college graduates become the new Democratic base and blue collar and service workers shift rightward, this might end up being a case of "be careful what you wish for".

Cinnamon Toast Crunch is the superior cereal. To say otherwise is heresy of the highest order.