Max Bruno

Idk I thought Barbarian was really good

We cannot let this happen. If the government shuts down, then it won’t be able to provide vital functions that serve us like uh UHhhh hmm oh haha huh uhhhhh UHHH [prolonged coughing] um heh uhhhh hmm

Oh you got pathologically bored and sad without the impending specter of death? Skill issue

My most toxic trait is that no matter how many Twilight Zone, Monkey’s Paw ass narratives I consume… I feel like immortality would be cool as hell for me

Mr. Judge, I realize that these hundreds of DMs may irritate you, but your silence regarding the relative widths of the other King of the Hill characters’ urethras remains deafening

i had a life-changing appetizer recently (sauteed green beans tossed in chili crisp, with ground italian sausage and cashews) that is going to become a regular meal in the rotation

i feel in most relationships one partner is miss piggy and one partner is kermit. it's important to understand which one you are

i do not think americans want to live in a culture where jimmy kimmel is considered too edgy for television

First Charlie Kirk, then Jimmy Kimmel… check on your white guys who never left their home town they are NOT okay

Hypothetically speaking, just as like a philosophical thought exercise, I’m pondering what the appropriate and proportional response would be to a guy touring around the country saying the government should exterminate your girlfriend

For some reason thinking about a guy who shoots himself in the foot while trying to shoot a puppy and then shoots you in the face for laughing at him

I am once again left to wonder what all these “violence is not the answer” people think we beat the Nazis with last time

Conspiracy theorists speculating this was some kind of well-trained sniper when the shooter missed *this* head

Having a really good day. Can’t even really say why. Just grinning and humming to myself. Spring in my step. Etc. Something in the air I guess!

Sure boss. I don’t know what “accountable” means but I’d love to be held.

How your plastic containers look at you forever after the week you meal prepped curry

If science is so “reliable” why hasn’t it created a plastic container that can survive one (1) encounter with curry

Imagine how racist you have to be if you need to imagine a brown guy getting mad to enjoy BACON

Keep seeing this ad for pasta where someone’s stirring a big pot of Mac & Cheese saying “can you believe this is gluten free?” and… yes. As soon as it turns to ash in my mouth and despair rings cold in my heart… yes

I think if you see someone reading in public and assume they’re doing it performatively that says rather more about you than it does them, and I think it’s bad for us to develop a cultural stigma around reading, a thing we shouldn’t be trying to discourage, in public or anywhere

I’m not an optimistic person at all. I can keep going because I genuinely think it is reasonable to believe that people who value diverse perspectives and utilize critical thinking to guide their behavior are very equipped to triumph over people who devoted their lives to one book they didn’t read

i cant ever really get that psyched when an evil person dies peacefully in his late 80s unfortunately

I don’t semen retain but I do practice intermittent busting

I love going to parties and doing the Italian Goodbye (ambiguous cut to black with no explanation)

Depression has crossed the poetry event horizon and has entered the cult singularity. Seeking a Godhead to promise me superpowers and fuck my wife ASAP

The Vice President is the United States’ highest ranking national intern

Moving the Overton Window? How about we close the Overton Door!!

ERROR CODE 7493058726:
this user has been extrajudicially turned into a lil pile o goo

✨manifesting a fractal lattice of tumors and teratoma to explode from my solar plexus at a terrifying speed, covering the entire island of manhattan in seconds✨

Experiencing a level of depression that is dangerously poetry-adjacent today

(getting thrown into the back of an unmarked van, doing a john mulaney impression) is that... dean cain