Kerrie C.

"And from here on out you chubby generals are gonna be on a triple whammy of ozempic, Jenny Craig, and these sweet pills from the internet called Burn 3000. You're gonna be so ripped."

From here on out every member of our military will be in shape and clean-shaven. And have granite jaws and the highest cheekbones. And legs that go on for days and shapely calves and an ass that just won’t…

You can joke about Pam Bondi’s ridiculous unprofessionalism all you want, but I’m deeply shocked by it: She acts as if she fears absolutely no consequences, convinced that there will be no more political power transfers. — This should shake everyone to their core.

So there's this spot on a nearby hiking trail where, with every step, dozens of grasshoppers fly up at my feet. And monarch and little yellow butterflies float around me. And I'm like, "Yes, my minions. Rise! I summon thee!"

The gods should have made Sisyphus put on fitted sheets all day, not the stupid boulder thing. That would have been real punishment.

Quinnipiac says that following Jerry was the equivalent of signing a consent form, but we'll see what the lawyers have to say about that.

I still pity people who hear a foreign language and experience a fear response. But those people are working my nerves rn.

This is encouraging. Cicero was BCE. The empire didn't fall for a few more centuries. So maybe our country has a little longer than it seems.

He could rotate duties: band director, cheer advisor, t-shirt cannon operator, mascot... The possibilities are endless, and he'd do way less damage to our country.

Dearest Mother,
ICE forces took another microbrewery last night, leaving only 879 under our control within city limits. But our beard oil deliveries remain constant, the one bright spot in this dark war. The public pianos have gone silent. But Vegan Company remains resolute. #WarRavagedPortland

I keep seeing this headline but I'm still waiting to hear about an arrest warrant. Does one exist?

Sweet! It’s our anniversary is today too!

He knows he has a lot more damage he can do to the country.

You really are the victim here. Any lawyers out there who want to represent Jerry pro bono for his suit against Tay?

Those double commas hit hard

These crazy kids got married 27 years ago today. Best decision I ever made.

Trumpnomics: Get tariff money from US consumers on Chinese goods. Our farmers can’t sell their products because the Chinese refuse to pay our tariffs. China buys from farmers in Argentina instead. We send Argentina $20 billion. Then we pay our farmers to throw their crops away.

a man in a suit and tie looks out a window ALT: a man in a suit and tie looks out a window

Greeting the day like it's that skeezy-looking dude who walks the neighborhood on foot, knocking on doors and offering to cut down trees.

Funny how he plays dumb so quickly, when his whole act is "smartest guy in the room." But it's just an act. His smug condescension isn't enough to cover over his habitual lying.

Side note: These scent names also = great band names.

Will do. I'll also inquire about Tactical Lavender and Alpha-Ass Magnolia.

the people from Dude Wipes are coming to our business school to talk to our students. I can put in a word for you.

No amount of whiskey will fill the void that silence left behind, Pete.

And after 40 minutes of cringe-Thunderous applause from the generals!

Just kidding. Total silence. 👀 🦗 🦗

Dearest Mother,
The unrest among Vegan Company is resolved. We have agreed not to fat-shame ICE agents, even when they shoot teargas at our faces. Many thanks for sending the med bed. It healed my eyes, repaired the bruise, and gave me a refreshing soy latte scent. #WarRavagedPortland

Made a new friend on my hike yesterday.

RFK: we’re making America healthy again

AMERICA: omg are we finally getting healthcare?!

RFK: we’re replacing the fluoride in your water with horse dewormer

AMERICA: oh okay

I swear if someone steals my Antifa yogurt from the Antifa fridge in the Antifa lounge one more time...

This is so not worth the commute.

Dearest Mother,

The pescatarian brigade was flanked by our masked foes. The zither players sounded their alarm, but Vegan company could lend no aid, for the pepper spray ICE used upon them was processed in a plant that also processes turkey jerky. All may be lost. #WarRavagedPortland