V Says Things

Who woulda thought I’d spend my late twenties smoking joints and writing cowboy smut?

I ate peanut butter and banana sandwiches every day for lunch as a kid and I had to find out for myself as an adult that I have autism. #safefoods

All it takes is a little butt sweat and tears.

Nothing says I love you like, “Babe, I brought Chinese. Let’s double feature a psychological horror and a sad coming of age movie.”

When you level up as an autistic person, you unlock a new perk path: laminated paper crafts or vacuum-sealed food prep. Choose your hyperfixation.

Space tourism is unethical.

Being poor is spending the majority of your time stressed about groceries then spending an entire workday distracted because you’re excited about your Aldi curbside pickup order. Making soup tonight!

Don’t forget to pre-order your Betty White postage stamps!

When you are chronically ill, instead of counting sheep you can put yourself to sleep reading your MyChart health summary.

Please and thank you

Can't sleep and I haven't tried

We were there too! Happy to see such a crowd in our small city 💙

Some weekends I sit and wonder if any of my office plants will have a new leaf when I get in on Monday.

Came home too tired to cook, didn’t want to order food… then somehow ended up cooking two completely separate meals.

Manic depression, autism, or just an elaborate form of self-sabotage?

Eat sushi, go to sleep.

Good news! The cure to burn out is making a disgusting amount of spaghetti on a Thursday night and eating it with your hands while you wait for your partner to come home.

I wonder what my skeleton looks like

So, how unhinged is it to order a steak to eat while watching the new episode of Yellowjackets?

Protect your peace.

Why is it so hard to find orange juice with pulp these days?

One of the great challenges of cohabitating is developing a new fridge organization system that works for your opposite neurodivergence brains.

As a kid: *sitting too close to the tv so you can hear the cartoons over the adults talking

As an adult: *sitting too close to the tv so you can use the tv stand to roll a joint

Regrettably, “I was on the math team, bitch” is my most used comeback as an adult…

Pretty sure my therapist could diagnose me just by how much popcorn I eat.

Marketing works. When Erbert and Gerbert’s emails me about a free pickle with my sandwich, I feel seen.

So, is it appropriate to put “Chili Cookoff Winner 2024” in your work email signature?

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