Jordang

Man dressed in a panda suit, leaning against a railing and looking creepy as hell.

We apologize to anyone frightened by "The New Panda Experience" but tariffs messed up delivery and we didn't want to disappoint the children.

You get to be an animorph but only the bugs

Hello,
I hope this email finds you well,
Bababooey.

Sincerely,

It’s unsettling when protein shake ads make it look like a yummy drink to enjoy instead of something you choke down as fast as possible.

Tis the season to walk by the bag of cadbury mini eggs 50 times a day, sneak one egg and think about how naughty you are for doing it

Gym goals? 6’5”, blue eyes, trust fund or just a big guy to treat me like an object

Wait, that’s not how billionaires stay young?

Really proud of people that early vote. Me? I want to wait in a line during the work day and exercise my civic duty to not work (and vote).

If dawn soap is good enough for ducks I don’t know why we don’t all use it as body wash

If anyone asks where I am, tell them I’m disassociating with the gals at brunch on three brands of tranquilizers.

I was able to plug a USB in correctly the first time without flipping it around twice. Where’s my award?

This isn’t a haiku
It’s not a haiku at all in fact
It really isn’t one

Oreos but it’s mayo in the middle

Chubby bunny but with spoons of mayo

greek mythology had many gods and people were always trying to fight them. we need to get back to that

Remember those nerds candy mcflurries that existed before I found out I was lactose intolerant? Me too, me too.

Is no one going to talk about how all the sound effects in Pokemon are just mouth sounds by some dude? The rotom phone is just some guy saying “bzzz”

The perfect food pairing is a main dish of tide pods, glass of liquid hand soap, and for dessert a dishwasher pod.

Don’t worry babe, I’ll make sure you make some real bad life choices

You can tell when a gay doesn’t have queer friends because they don’t have anyone to tell them things are cringe, and no one to encourage them to make bad life choices.

One strike of my baguette and you will be in le pain

If a cat makes biscuits what does a dog make

Mentally, Im still relaxing in bed ignoring the real world exists

Sending my kids to school with the body of christ lunchable

I’ll be able to die happy once the final chapter of Shrek drops in 2026

Smash Mouth’s All Star is all I need on my ipod classic

Be like my dog: falling face first into deep snow again and again for the pursuit of exploration.

[At the gym, hanging around the squat rack]
"So dude, what's your PB? Crunchy or smooth?"

If there are wormholes in space imagine the fish you could catch with a space worm