Alma

It’s been a good wknd. But it’s never enough time. I honestly don’t know what would be enough time. I’m so chronically burnt out and exhausted. I can’t take a vacation that’s long enough to not be those things bc work sucks so much. It never gets better. Days off just remind me how much I hate it.

Which is why I avoid coming over here on Sunday mornings, generally. But I need a calm place to do that telemedicine appointment. They’ve finally finished construction. A few songbirds, but most of the birds aren’t in their normal spots. Not sure why.

They’re either completely ignoring speed limits (too fast and too slow) or just not even in lanes or blatantly ignoring traffic rules. It’s just so clear these people never think of anyone else. They’re oblivious to the spaces they take up in this world.

There are two mega churches very close to my holy place, and it never ceases to amaze me how incredibly idiotic these people are. Like the most reckless and obtuse drivers ever.

So, I totally forgot it was Sunday. Like spaced it entirely. Thought it was Saturday. Just got a notification that I have an appt this morning. Except I was like-oh, that’s tomorrow. But it’s in like an hour. Thank god it’s virtual.

Here is a simple guide for evaluating any suggested “reforms” of U.S. policing in this historical moment. 1. Are the proposed reforms allocating more money to the police? If yes, then you should oppose them. 2. Are the proposed reforms advocating for MORE police and policing (under euphemistic terms like “community policing” run out of regular police districts)? If yes, then you should oppose them. 3. Are the proposed reforms primarily technology-focused? If yes, then you should oppose them because: a. It means more money to the police. b. Said technology is more likely to be turned against the public than it is to be used against cops. c. Police violence won’t end through technological advances (no matter what someone is selling you). 4. Are the proposed “reforms” focused on individual dialogues with individual cops? And will these “dialogues” be funded with tax dollars? I am never against dialogue. It’s good to talk with people. These conversations, however, should not be funded by tax payer money. That money is better spent elsewhere. Additionally, violence is endemic to U.S. policing itself. There are some nice individual people who work in police departments. I’ve met some of them. But individual dialogue projects reinforce the “bad apples” theory of oppressive policing. This is not a problem of individually terrible officers rather it is a problem of a corrupt and oppressive policing system built on controlling and managing the marginalized while protecting property.

What “reforms” should you support (in the interim) then? 1. Proposals and legislation to offer reparations to victims of police violence and their families. 2. Proposals and legislation to require police officers to carry personal liability insurance to cover costs of brutality or death claims. 3. Proposals and legislation to decrease and redirect policing and prison funds to other social goods. 4. Proposals and legislation for (elected) independent civilian police accountability boards with power to investigate, discipline, fire police officers and administrators. [WITH SOME SERIOUS CAVEATS] 5. Proposals and legislation to disarm the police. 6. Proposals to simplify the process of dissolving existing police departments. 7. Proposals and legislation for data transparency (stops, arrests, budgeting, weapons, etc.) Ultimately, the only way that we will address oppressive policing is to abolish the police. Therefore all of the “reforms” that focus on strengthening the police or “morphing” policing into something more invisible but still as deadly should be opposed.

Got in a conversation the other day where someone proposed "reforming" the police and I asked what that would look like to them. I asked in good faith but they blocked me. So I'm posting this because so much of @prisonculture.bsky.social's work has informed my personal thoughts on policing. 🧵

The lady in front of me at the coffee shop drive thru is crying. I hope she’s okay. It’s easy to forget there are humans with galaxies of lives inside these vehicles. It’s a good reminder to be kind, especially on the road.

Anyway, Happy Halloween. I'm sad because I wanted today to be so fun, but it just wasn't meant to be. Next year, I guess.

It takes a whole helluva lot to piss me off. But incompetent patient care is one of those things where I am a dog with a bone. If you don't give a shit about people, get the fuck out of medicine.

This time? Not even a temperature reading.

She was also 35 minutes late. I think she just didn’t want to do her job bc she was late to work (I was her 1st appt), and doing her job would put her behind.

I’m definitely complaining to Stanford, my insurance (bc they better not charge them), & Yelp.

There are other ways to treat this shit. My last sinus infection, they gave me asthma specific things (bc I have asthma—which is why it needs addressing—so I don’t get pneumonia). I got all kinds of decongestants. A spacer. Allergy meds. Good care.

I also have been dealing with a sinus infection that’s 7/10 painful on a good day and is going on 3 weeks. She didn’t perform any exam. Just said she couldn’t help me with anything. On what planet do you not examine someone with sinus issues AT ALL bc you don’t want to prescribe antibiotics?!

For the record, I was already cleared for today. Not asking her to get me out or anything. I was out. I just wanted her to examine me to document that I have a broken toe and pinched nerve. Also document my mental state. I like documentation. I want a paper trail.

I did go to Stanford express care to document my symptoms just in case. They were like the worst. wtf is going on with healthcare providers who give no shits about patients? The MA was the only one that seemed remotely interested in me. The PA was honestly such a bitch.

The new date is perfect. I won’t have any of these issues and my body will hopefully be healed.

I take back all the mean things I said about our local court. Finally found the right person to call and was able to get my service postponed. I was already at the courthouse (hella early), but thought I’d try since I knew a panic attack was coming. I don’t do well with crowds. They were so lovely.

I truly, deeply hope that every one of you out there reading this has warm, dry shelter and a full belly tonight. It's so heartbreaking to think of how many out there don't. The chain reaction to cruelty the likes of which we're witnessing goes so far up the chain. I hope you are all spared from it.

And I’m honestly not that curious about them anymore. I wish them well. But I’m glad I’m done with them.

I don’t miss these people. Sometimes, I do get curious. But when I check on them, I’m reminded of how much they took from me. How goddamn boring they are bc they’re unsafe. How limited I had to be. And that’s not anything I want. It’s better to be alone than with leeches.

I think he took for granted that I’ve always made effort to fix our problems. But at some point, I cannot. I will give you dozens of chances. So many warnings. And then I’m just gonna disappear when you do it again. I’ve had two exes learn this the hard way. I won’t tell you again.

I was transparent that his actions made me feel unsafe discussing more meaningful things. He’d get frustrated and poke the bear. But he’d continue to do the exact things I warned him to stop doing. Expecting I’d eventually just let him do whatever.

We had near constant fights for months. Mostly bc I had strong boundaries that he repeatedly ran over. When I held him accountable and enforced my boundary, he’d sulk like a bitch baby. I valued him and wanted to get along. So I continued talking. But I started keeping it superficial.

I stopped speaking to him in mid September over an argument wherein he was committed to misunderstanding me. He was one of the apologists that came out for a certain awful human. But honestly, that final thing (which I’m sure is why he thinks we stopped talking) was just a cherry on a sundae.

It’s interesting how getting away from people who have used you makes you feel free. I’ve had a friend who would neglect me until he felt needy and didn’t have other options. Then suddenly I existed. I don’t have these issues with women. Just men.

Omg. Charlotte Martin has a brand new album. Her first since 2004. She’s one of my all time fave voices ever. So excited.

Of course the government found a way to ruin the only fucking holiday I actually give a rat's ass about. Get to go be exposed to whatever germs and put undue strain on my broken body just for shits and giggles to pretend like we give a fuck about people or righteousness. Spare me the hypocrisy.

I'm not holding back. Usually, I'd be polite and giggle through it. But this week of being manhandled by this stupid system has made me mad enough that I will tell them exactly why they suck. I might have to appear, but I sure as hell don't have to be nice about it. I've had my goddamn fill.

It's such a fucking joke anyway. It's not like righteous humans are running our country. We have a rapist and con man in charge. But I'm supposed to believe in the judicial system. We all know the police do whatever the fuck they want. There's no justice in this BS country.

This was literally their last opportunity to call me. After ALL of that nonsense, now I get to waste more of my life. It's incredibly disruptive to my job and also puts a huge strain on my ability to heal from my injuries. I should have been allowed to postpone this.

Ugh. So, I have to appear tomorrow at a courthouse an hour away, which means I also get to fight rush-hour traffic. I'm so mad. Our way of doing things is just terrible.