Brandon Burkhart

No, I wish!

is it disappointment?

Tips For Embracing Single Life Despite stereotypes that unpartnered people are lonely or unhappy, being single doesn’t have to be a burden. The Onion shares tips for embracing single life. Take yourself on a date! There’s no reason you can’t have fun being visibly, utterly alone in public.  Delight in the bacchanal of carnal pleasures that is the Omaha hookup […]

Despite stereotypes that unpartnered people are lonely or unhappy, being single doesn’t have to be a burden. The Onion shares tips for embracing single life. theonion.com/tips-fo...

People who think we don't need DEI have never listened closely to the Bruce Hornsby song "The Way It Is," and it shows.

Yes because no one is scared of JD Vance

I know every time I've been fired I try to cover my embarrassment by announcing I'm running for governor of Ohio.

People at the table next to me in this cafe are discussing the conept of FOMO, and it's seriously making me sad I can't be part of their conversation.

David Lynch has passed away. The news was given by a dwarf talking backwards in a dream. #RIP

the only stranger i'd trust to move my car

He cut short his mission to Moscow so he could help our city under seige!

Screenwriters have already gone from "Survive til '25" to "It'll get fixed in '26."

The good news is you'll soon reach the age when you're constantly sleepy.

Who else is still putting 2004 on your checks, because that's the last time you used them?

Like beautiful snowflakes.

Congrats on your sobriety being old enough to choose not to drink.

this needs more question marks

New episode of The Dump is up! Listen here:
tr.ee/xt5iQCviL2

Shootings wouldn't happen if Bibles and prayer were allowed in classrooms at this... *checks notes* Christian school.

My latest Musk Magazine headline. www.instagram.com/themuskmag/

Maybe if Republicans didn't block every minimum wage increase, that woman coud afford another cold apple

If Biden had invited Xi, Fox News would be calling him a traitor

Haha, you almost got me. This is obviously a photo of old Steven Tyler.

There's a reason why I only write manifestos at Carls Jr. Their slogan is "See something, say nothing." All the food we're eating is so disgusting that no one dares to make eye contact.

As someone who keeps hearing comedy is dead, i feel this

Google results showing the movie baby girl’s release date is Dec 25th 2024, shows Nicole Kidman with younger male co star in pool, lit by pool light

Same thing but showing Nosferatu’s release date is also Christmas with a still from nosferatu. Shadow of clawed hand falls over female star’s face as she peers thru curtains, is very desaturated

TIRED: Barbenheimer
WIRED: Babygiratu

I'm happy I get to educate the world one fact check at a time.

James Taylor is the favorite of Gen Zzzzzzzzzz.

New to MySpace! First post here! DM me to lobby for inclusion in my Top 8!

🚨BREAKING LITERATURE NEWS🚨
My book has a cover.

“Wow, You Look Terrible!” is available April 22 but you can pre-order it now if you’re a real go-getter
books.disney.com/book/wow-you...

Huge thanks to my pal @jimmykimmel.com for writing the foreword, my team at Hyperion Ave, and my artist Jon Kutt.

Or they went on a weekend "fishing trip."