ely kreimendahl

“but you have no reason to be anxious”
bold of u to assume i need a reason

happy April 25 to all who celebrate

Men really took the most tender, sensitive part of their body (balls) and made it synonymous with toughness and strength. adorbs

3 hours in boston on returning to the places that made you. found this one in the crypt (* email attachment on long-neglected hotmail account)

open.substack.com/pub/elykreim...

new oversharing substack just dropped! read & subscribe if you please 💖

I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”

YES I filed my TAXES because I’m a RESPONSIBLE ADULT and an ARTIST and that’s exactly WHY when I say I FILED MY TAXES what I MEAN is I filed an EXTENSION.

again

Down & Dirty With Pain And Trouble 1 year ago, I got a corporate day job & neglected my substack. I'm sorry, I love you, I'm back & this is a story about lots of things, including love, sex, therapy school & the brutality of neglect.

open.substack.com/pub/elykreim...

new substack just dropped, would love you to read 💖

every morning when vyvanse kicks in I have a 45 min window in which I’m capable of texting back, answering emails and generally being a functional person. if u miss me in that window, sooo sorry try again tmw babe

me when girls get drunk & end up slurring “ive always wondered what it’d be like to kiss a woman…”

wish I could’ve been in the meeting where copywriter presented this on a slide deck. an icon tbh!

miss her every day

2008 was crazy. you could really just throw on a gold leotard, hot pink tights and a giant statement Owl necklace and call it a night

my fellow queer & trans people: in these horrifying times, now more than EVER, it is SO important we prioritize having an unhinged amount of filthy queer sex

know I’m getting old bc every song playing in this dentist’s office is a goddamn BOP. counting crows, the cranberries, MGMT?!
I’ll take one unnecessary root canal, pls

marriage is hard, but we don’t talk enough about how with the right person it’s also just having a fun slutty giggly sleepover for the rest of your life

Kendrick’s jeans are 90s teen/ elder millennial representation

gotta be honest. with everything absolutely crumbling around us…the disappearing and crashing planes situation is pushing me over the edge

being a queer & trans family is unspeakably weird right now, because my to do list is like

1. Buy toilet paper

2. Get groceries

3. Get passports for the kids in case we need to leave the country

Like I just want to work at an ad agency circa 1964, is that too much to ask

I know this is terrible but return-to-office would be 1000000% better if you could vape

it’s honestly so important to bring the slutty queer vibes to the corporate hang

trying to explain my social media job to my friend who saves lives for a living

hey my husband & I saw you and your boyfriend from across the bar. we think you need couples therapy, here’s our therapist Emily’s number she rules

“you’re so funny”
thanks one time in English AP
I compared Brothers Karamazov to the 90’s Sandra Bullock movie “The Net” and it became a running bit in class the entire year

be careful what you say around kids. I don’t mean cursing I mean I just turned to my six yr old and said “this train’s so crowded” and she was like “LITERALLLLLLLY”

A man carries a coffin with a skull on the front and spray painted on the side "we're here we're queer we hate the fucking president"

ACT UP, 1990

absolute worst guy you know is currently telling his friends he’s gonna “try his hand at standup comedy”

FYI 🩷