thoyotathon

totally insane that every couple just did Valentine's Day and now tomorrow they have to do President's Day. our whole calendar is fucked.

the two types of vehicle are cars and trucks, with every vehicle being a subclass of one of those two. a jeep is a truck. a motorcycle is obviously a car. a boat is a truck. an airplane is a car and a helicopter is a truck. trucks are cars, interestingly enough, and cars are a specific type of chair

the iceberg theory of writing is that if there's a boat, it's gotta hit an iceberg. that's good writing.

last time he headlined in Boston somebody (allegedly) nut-tapped him in the meet and greet line afterwards and it's the funniest thing i've (allegedly) seen. no boston on the tour calendar!

if you played sonic the hedgehog and put down the controller, sonic would look at you and tap his foot impatiently. this was proof that sega genesis cartridges had souls. the decision was made to make the storage cases a lot larger than the cartridges so they would have room to move around in there

this isn't about the super bowl bon jovi's at my house right now

bon jovi more like bon jovial this guy is in a great mood

Far Side Cartoon by Gary Larson. 3 cows are grazing in a field. One cow has raised her head with a look of concerned realization. Mouth still full, she says, "Hey, wait a minute! This is grass! We've been eating grass!" to the apparent surprise of the other cows.

cow foods

"GEE PAYYY TEEEE"

after making a certain amount of money, guys start believing stuff like "writing makes you dumb" and "exercise makes you die from being tired"

All the stars are here: Brantley Gilbert, Brice Bradley, Gabby Babby, Bibb Glibsy, Slab Gabbert, Brice Bryce,

they call it a U Turn because the U stands for Upset

If you emailed an elite pervert with normal syntax and punctuation they'd make you immediately and cut off contact. You need to throw some typos and do the Epstein alpha "ghost period" thing . before sending Noam Chomsky some links to The Right Stuff Dot Biz. Then they know you're solid.

very excited for 2028's STILL CHANGING OVER

enjoyed it a lot great job!

sad to report that Walter Payton has lost the contest for the Walter Payton Man Of The Year Award for the 40th year in a row

The key to winning the superbowl is never facing a real team

imagining the idea of the patriots going to the Superbowl by winning the three worst playoff games ever played, actually feels pretty nice!

oh you do comedy to be understood in the eyes of others? that's cool man, i do it because what if dracula was a rock and roll guy solving mysteries with a skateboard or gun. what about that.

Matt doesn’t have a massive chip on his shoulder and therefore thinks he’s better than us

Hey thanks for sealing it for us GO PATS!!!

The Los Angeles Chargers of Anaheim

You can always tell when a new Chat GPT commercial is coming because it's always like someone staring at a pan with a big hunk of chicken in it and then it reveals their search history with something like "Tell me how to not die from salmonella poisoning"

hey it's me, a photographer on the sideline of an NFL game, and i'm pretty sure a careening, world class athlete is not about to absolutely wreck my shit, so just gonna adjust my massive zoom lens for a second...

kidz bop should release an album of all originals. don't even tell anyone, just earnestly write a dozen songs and drop it on KB 163 or whatever. c'mon.

Mike F @mikefossey police also found a small bag of weed weighing 95 lbs. Some would call it a large bag but to me, the coolest reporter alive, its no big deal

Mike F @mikefossey Metallica 1986: here's a song called creeping death, it's about a plague personified and it shreds Metallica 1991: this one is called enter sandman and it's about going to bed

R.I.P. to a legend

god I miss doing stand up comedy, the thrill of grabbing that mic and saying "Mario from Nintendo is secretly Asian" to 9 other mentally ill people in a semi-abandoned pizza place. the ambitionless excitement of having a bad time

they also have their own megachurch in Rockland now, everything's going great!