Ryan_Duncan

That's my hero.

this is the stupidest thing and it absolutely undid me

(pirate playing chess) checkmatey

they call him “stephen root” because i’m always “root”ing for him to show up in whatever im watching

thinking about the guy at the pharmacy last week who marched up to the register and said “i see your selection of combs is less robust than it was on my last visit here”

It's Friday, it's been a long week, and I say this with all sincerity: Boobs.

Yes u r.

This administration is doing irreparable harm to the satire industry.

UK: Prince Andrew arrested.

South Korea: Former President Yoon sentenced for life.

Brazil: Former President Bolsonaro serving a 27-year sentence.

USA: President Trump demands $10 billion payout from taxpayers.

Peter Dinkledge, Hugh Jackman, Ryan Gosling, Frances McDormand.

[introducing girlfriend to my family]
me: this is my girlfriend janine
janine: hi
wife: what the fuck

chef: who wants dirt soup

everyone: what? no thank you, just regular soup

chef: bad news we had to get rid of the soup to provide the dirt

everyone: but we hate dirt

chef: (mouthful of dirt) who wants dirt

BREAKING: Shirtless RFK Jr./Kid Rock workout video causes widespread infertility, massive drop in U.S. birth rate

So, more like The Tucci Timeline.

I would pay real money for the Tucci Tracker.

RFK Jr.: ‘Time In Hot Cars Helps Babies To Sweat Out Toxins’

RFK Jr.: ‘Time In Hot Cars Helps Babies To Sweat Out Toxins’ https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-time-in-hot-cars-helps-babies-to-sweat-out-toxins/

Franzi Schimmer captured this Grizzly bear in Brooks Falls, Alaska just floating along, tippy-tapping down the river, browsing the salmon.

Prior to hibernation, up to 40% of a bear's body mass is fat, which is less dense than water (~0.9 g/cm^2), so the murder-monster is also a floaty-boaty.

HAL JORDAN: In brightest day, in blackest

BEASTIE BOYS: NIGHT!

HAL JORDAN: No evil shall escape my

BEASTIE BOYS: SIGHT!

HAL JORDAN: This is awkward because when I invited you I thought I was messaging Beast Boy from the Teen Titans.

Someone has sure already made this observation but the fact they can convert all those empty warehouses into prison camps means they could have converted them into housing, community centers, job training centers or, hell, libraries or schools all along. It’s always a matter of will not resources.

If you say "my skin is so dry" people might recommend a lotion but if you say "my skin is so wet" no one will help you

A four-panel comic made out of the "Dillon, you son of a bitch!" scene in Predator where Schwarzenegger and Carl Weathers high-five and flex their muscles. In this comic, Weathers has been replaced by Trogdor the Burninator and his beefy arm.

Once again, @theonion.com proves psychic.

This was the first thing my Michigander mother-in-law brought up when she came here for a visit. People hate the old bridge and the asshole who owns it so much.

CNN confirms what MSNBC reported live a few hours ago: DOJ is surveilling Dem lawmakers when they go to the DOJ to search unredacted Epstein files.

The next super Mario game should be about Bowser forcing everyone to accept his cookies.

I fed a squirrel walnuts and me chocolate for breakfast. Sucker.

reporter: your name is mike johnson

mike johnson: i’ve seen no such report

Eric Roberts displaying sme of the best hair in the world.

One thing we don't talk about enough is how amazing Eric Roberts' hair is.

Eric Roberts.