on windy days like today my dogs majestically stand outside as though they’re are receiving secret messages from the ancients

me, thinking: *today i’m going to be positive*
barista: howdy!
me: ah nuts

The 4th grade gossip is top tier right now.

It’s time to start having opinions 🤙🏼

Here from that other app.
Need some positivity.
Here for the laughs.

If you say to yourself “this might come in handy one day”…do yourself a favour and put it in the fucking bin

Even a gangster like me needs a forehead kiss sometimes!

Hey, I'm Beesley and I'm addicted to collecting ceramic Christmas trees 🎄

The smell, feel, and sound of a good book in your hands
🤌🤌

I didn’t feel like doing laundry so I went commando for two months…

“Ma’am pull to the second window please”

Have we tried kicking the earth off it’s axis?

Thought about reading the news.

Decided I’d smoke a joint instead.

Was talking to my 20 about Andrew Tate.

My child personally is not an idiot, nor a fan of that thumb but some of his friends have at points been sucked in and he said we should consider the real risk that emotionally unavailable parents are to growing teen boys.

This is not my first rodeo, I have season tickets…

If you dm me, I will dm you right back by demanding you roll for initiative

idk bro but sounds like you need to move to the country and eat a lot of peaches

I'll show you a good time, baby

[eats lasagna in my pajamas]

Middle finger girl in a heart hand world.

If you're into watching fights you should come watch me try to sleep at night

I’m not here to break up your marriage. Unless you want me to.

Minnie Driver and her gang egged my house last night.

Looks like everyone is here. Now, we can begin

This place seems devoid of men of God who are married to their sweethearts.

He told me he didn't know what big words like refrain meant and asked me if I would stop using them