Tim

Me: Where's the cat?
Her: She doesn't respond to that.
Me: I'm not saying it
Her: Then I'm not telling you
Me: Ok, where is Her Majesty, Empress Clawdia
Her: On her throne

The Bosa Nova 🎶🎶🎶

I would also like to suggest Liverwurst. My dog finds pills in everything but she eats them in Liverwurst no problem.

Me: Where's the cat?
Her: She doesn't respond to that.
Me: I'm not saying it
Her: Then I'm not telling you
Me: Ok, where is Her Majesty, Empress Clawdia
Her: On her throne

Her: Pssst. You looking to hook up with some good shit?

Me: Maybe. What do you got?

Her:

[Inside gigantic cement building in the middle of nowhere]

Me: *slowly starts opening bag of food*

My dog:

Sitting at my daughter's pretend restaurant. The service is horrible here and the prices are outrageous.

*grabs microphone at register at Best Buy*
THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES WERE ACTUALLY TORTOISES. TURTLES LIVE IN WATER. GET OFF ME!

[Inside gigantic cement building in the middle of nowhere]

Me: *slowly starts opening bag of food*

My dog:

I feel you, little guy

So, here’s the thing, I *don’t* have a structured settlement but I *do* need cash now.

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

Thank you!

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

BARISTA: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

ME: *under breath* damn

Her: Pssst. You looking to hook up with some good shit?

Me: Maybe. What do you got?

Her:

We need someone to create an add on where we can just import our follower list from Twitter like you do when you switch phones

You walk through a single sand painting and suddenly the farmer's market has a villain.

“I love you,” Random Generator Bot tells me.

Warmth blossoms inside me and a grin breaks across my lips. “I love you too, Random Gene—“

“Plate tectonics digest cannulas,” Random Generator Bot says.

My smile fades. “Yeah…” I nod at Random Generator Bot. “They sure do, buddy.”

The word musk is now a slur on this site.

The bar for Bluesky being basically "I'd like a place where people are even just slightly less mean to me" really says something about our collective post Twitter PTSD

ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we're all haunted

ANESTHESIOLOGIST: how do you keep waking up

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

*grabs microphone at register at Best Buy*
THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES WERE ACTUALLY TORTOISES. TURTLES LIVE IN WATER. GET OFF ME!

“Remind me again, what’s the definition of insanity?” I ask the empty room as I sign up for another social media site.

Sitting at my daughter's pretend restaurant. The service is horrible here and the prices are outrageous.

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men's Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don't go outside tho