cana/rina

im sorry for being a disappointment

i wish i can just shoot my phone and leave the internet so that i dont negatively indulge in it more and more but i feel like without it ill just be even more depressed, such is life

honestly anywhere i go to vent feels very repressive cause i dont want to feel like im filling up anyone's time reading the edgy or anysuch thoughts. i feel like im always just cursed to be alone, yet its also my fault that i let myself be alone, its just depressing

6 days late but i remembered this image exists and its funny

im still scared to talk about my actual things to my main or to others, i just dont really know if im able to do it since i wont be able to walk back out from it, i really do just need to grow a spine and not run away, jfc

I really underestimate how powerful Anon Chihaya is, and thats not even an exaggeration

even now i try to put up this facade of myself that i dont think is even genuine, i just talk a lot of shit that makes it seem like i know myself, but i really dont. I feel like I gravitate to new things because its this illusion of moving on, but it really isnt

the more i watch MyGO the more i realise how much of a fake personality i really put up, from the way i talk to even how i claim to "love" or know certain things. I've expressed and recognised this as an issue for so long but, I really don't know how to stop

being a naive person who thinks everyone in them is good and just has complications to reach is really, really difficult to try and justify sometimes. really wish everyone could just get along and not be so negative all the time, and even im not following up to my ideals on that...

trying to be a decent person is hard when your brain makes so much connections between corelations and coincidences behind behaviors that i refuse to give certain people second chances or just blatantly not tolerate them

event is over, finals is over, i dont have to be a secretary anymore god bless.....

i feel so overpressured these past few days, i cant imagine just not going online and resting my head there, i would probsbly faint if im forced to only work all the time, i just want to sleep after all of this...

tomorrow is my last day of finals..... im so close

i just want to yell at the world, yell to god why should they go through this? they dont deserve this much pain and yet theyre forced to bear this and live through it, how can i just sit there watching them?

seeing my friend go through such a tough time makes me filled with undescribable anger that i cant even fathom, i dont even know what to say, i just want to scream in how helpless i am to not even help them directly, its so awful, this world is just cruel

Part of me wishes I have authority and power to support them, but what can a random person on the internet really do? I have no presense or anything that could be of use, I don't even have any tip or helpful advice to give, I can't lecture, I can only say "thats awful", it really sucks

Feeling powerless when you want to support a friend feels so awful everytime, like I want to be there and help them but theres just so much that I could do that I only end up watching from afar as they deal with their crisis alone, and I hate that I can't help them more

i dont know how people pay attention to meetings... its always a blur to me when people discuss a lot, its like i have a hearing defficiency cause they sound like mumbles half the time yet everyone know what theyre talking about

submitted the finals that i had the entire semester to work on that i rushed in a day... good to say that im probably not passing this one, lol...

like im reaaally not hiding it, but also wow people really pay attention, thats kinda wild

I feel a bit embarassed that some people kinda know that im a girl now, like ahh... people are way too kind

also coming out as a girl in a religious indonesian family is probably the worst decision i could ever make lmao

i dont even feel like my own gender identity shouldnt matter, but fuck its getting to my head more than i want to admit, i dont feel strongly to either male or female or neutral, its just haunting my mind, and i dont have a massive dysphoria either, so for me its just a matter of a rent free thought

sometimes i want to just admit, tell the whole world that i identify as a girl, but even that feeling is still muddy since it honestly felt a bit wrong, i need more time to let it simmer but i just wish i can just let it go

I honestly am at that point where I could snap at any moment, I feel like all my life has been shackled because my Father has been this big person that has authority when he hasn't done anything worthy of respect, but oooh religion, like shut up please

like holy shit I've told him off so many times on how much he wastes our food and water just because he needs another drink, its not even alchohol its fucking TEA, and all of it is a waste of money with buying water, tea bags, sugar, all of it, fucking gobbshit

Anytime my Father does something I just get really pissed off, just his existence of wasting food, doing the most bare minimum chores and "acting" like hes working but being a fucking nuisance and inconsiderate for other just makes it feel like he's utterly blind and ignorant

I've been slowly learning how to properly draw the past few days, I really like the process since it makes me appreciate certain character designs much more and seeing my art look a bit better everyday just makes me feel 😭

Drew a Chiaki today and feel satisfied, hope I keep up with the consistency

like fucks sake i just have to vent I'd rather be in a military camp than having the most loose professor ever, at least my time is used productively, this is just bad for work ethics