JustAPigeon

The Field of Flowered Lies On fear, avoidance, and learning to hear the voice that might be mine.

open.substack.com/pub/knowthys...

This isn’t an essay written from clarity. It’s written from the space just before it, the place where fear coils, the past whispers, and the truth dares to speak. If you’ve ever sat quietly with something you knew would change everything, this might feel familiar. The link is in the comments below.

Thank you 💜🫂

And are always very kind, so I hope you're all well. For those who care, I will be back soon!

I have been relatively silent on here because life has been busy, and I haven't been able to keep up with things... It's made me realise that perhaps I don't need to have so many social media accounts and just stick to one... I know there are a few people here I chat with a little in the comments 🧵

Thank you 💜🫂

There’s No ‘More.’ There’s Just What Is When the child within simply wants to be mothered the way she never was.

open.substack.com/pub/pigeonxp...

I wrote this piece before it got busy… it’s not easy to admit that even as an adult, you still seek some mothering. Link is in the comments below.

When Familiarity Turns on You When the things that once comforted you become the source of your ache.

medium.com/know-thyself...

I never thought seeing clearly would be the thing that confused me most. I used to think healing would make things simpler. It hasn’t. But it’s made things truer. Link is below. #CSA #CSAsurvivorSky

My childhood trauma meant I learnt to keep quiet and just accept. Now, as an adult, it disturbs how I talk about important things like money.

While we'd all like to not have those conversations, at the end of the day, we can't pay bills with love and fresh air no matter how much we want to.

This default doesn't just apply to money. It shows up whenever I have to ask for anything at all. It's a different version of asking someone to treat you the way you feel more comfortable with.

Today, I had to, and I'm sitting here a sweaty mess, slightly freaked out. I know it's tied to worth. Believing that I am allowed, entitled to ask for that sum when my default is to accept whatever scraps I am given.

I find discussing money uncomfortable. I really do. Especially when it comes to what I want for something. A price I feel is fair. I will freak out before I say anything and will find the most unconfronting way to relay my message on. #CSA #CSAsurvivorSky 🧵

I Would Still Hover If I Could Mothering from a distance when you’ve only ever known how to be in their face

open.substack.com/pub/pigeonxp...

I’ve only ever known how to mother by being in their faces—my love is almost suffocating.
Now I’m learning how to do it from across the world.
And I’m not very good at it!
New piece: I Would Still Hover If I Could
Mothering from a distance when you’ve only ever known how to be in their face. #CSA 🧵

The little girl scoots over, letting herself lean a little on the adult.
The movement awkward, as she’s never done it before.
“Yeah,” she whispers.
“It does.”

The little girl giggles.
A strange sound. Silvery, breathless,
almost as if her voice box can’t remember how it feels to giggle.
“You’re silly,” she says.
The adult winks.
“Feels good, doesn’t it?”

The adult looks at her and says softly,
“We remember that we have to ignore him so he will shut up.”

As the little girl takes her first tentative lick of that sweet treat she can’t remember ever having,
she finally turns to the adult.
“What do we do when he stops sulking?”

The adult smiles as she looks off into the distance,
the wind gentle around her as she continues eating her ice cream.
“I didn’t make it go away.
It got bored of being ignored, so he’s sulking in a corner.”

“How did you do it?” asked the little girl.
“Do what?”
As she unwraps her ice cream, refusing to look at the adult, she says softly,
“How did you get the monster to go away?”

The adult sits on the wall, legs swinging, licking her ice cream.
The little girl sidles up.
Not saying a word, the adult hands an ice cream over. #CSA #CSAsurvivorSky 🧵

Thank you so much!

The Edge of the Sun Is Still a Beautiful Place When Survival Isn’t the Only Thing on the Menu

open.substack.com/pub/pigeonxp...

For most of my life, I didn’t know how to want more. Just getting through was enough. But lately, life has been offering something new. I wrote about what it feels like when survival is no longer the only thing on the menu. #CSA #CSAsurvivorSky the link is in the comments below.

Thank you for reading it and for your kind words. Unless people have walked a similar path, it's difficult to understand. There is the surface and then there is the waters below. That tide and current are not ones we can control easily.

Will you be my friend? When the adult sits at the table but the child still peeks over the fence.

medium.com/@JustAPigeon...

I wrote about friendship, self-worth, and the ache that sometimes lingers long after the healing has begun.
It’s a quiet piece, for anyone who’s ever felt like they were still standing at the fence, wondering why they weren’t asked to play.
Link below. #CSA #CSAsurvivorSky

substack.com/home/post/p-...