Max Moriarty

Prior to 20 January this year, I would've said there's no good reason to get married with changes in laws abt insurance, inheritance, etc. But now... How much independence will women lose? To be 100% honest, if it were me, I'd find a co-op/commune and live away from men. (It's not easy being me.)

Couple's counseling Thursday--sham but it's a story--"wife" said she hates when I "PLAY THE TRAUMA CARD." Counselor's hair caught fire & I barely kept aware. Counselor: WHAT are you saying? Me: you mean I use being raped as child as an excuse? Her: um, er, well...I knew the marriage was bad now dead

My mom and her family escaped Europe in 1938 when she was 8 years old. When Trump was elected the first time she called me, terrified, afraid her citizenship would be taken from her. I grieve her loss still from 2023, but I'm glad she's not here to see this and be frightened again.

As much as I don't want to live in a third world country, fuck it, bring him and his supporters to their knees.

Well, I don't know about the bed thing, I'll have to think about it, but it's definitely gay to share a closet!

I was asked recently if the sperm donor was arrested for what he did to me. I almost started laughing--trauma response, I think. I explained: he told me that if I told anyone about it "mommy won't love you any more." All these decades later just thinking about the threat makes me feel like I'm dying

Oh fuck. The sperm donor started grooming me when I was 6; the actual abuse started at 8. It's the same story. I grieve for you, truly I do.

If the internet existed in the early 60s, that's what the sperm donor would've done. He discovered if he played Mozart on the record player I laughed & danced but w/Stravinsky I cried. So he switched back & forth watching me laugh then cry over & over until I collapsed. Not just once.

Trump is telling Obama knock - knock jokes.

I'm not sure they want us... Though I think this country would be better off divided into about six provinces instead of states. Three people I've asked have come up with almost the exact same division of provinces. But there is concurrence that Texas should be removed from country no matter what.

I know 😭 I would never let my baby out anyway--but it makes me that much frightened that he might somehow get out. Which has never happened in 14 years and I worry about it every day. Yes, I'm neurotic and I don't care: I'm a protector by nature (or nurture?).

Where I live, cats roaming outside are often captured and sold to labs. I'd sooner gouge my eyes out {sorry, gross, I know} than let that happen to my baby.

Disappearing is good. This isn't the piranha tank, but it's still overly black-hole seductive.

Forgive me. I got caught up in the food prep aspect--I do all the cooking in my household. It gets extremely complicated emotionally for me. The sperm donor used food to manipulate & torture me which makes it incredibly difficult for me to separate out the unquestionable ethical issues.

I'm not vegan & can't imagine being one. However if I have a friend over who's vegan, I make vegan food for every1; vegetarian, gluten-free, allergies, whatever. I won't single some1 out or shame them at my table for how they eat--by choice or necessity. I've made many vegan meals & enjoyed doing so

Orange jumpsuit, wrist and ankle shackles. OR, straight jacket, foaming at the mouth. Either works for me.

Please. Just slow it all down.

But I think if we keep reminding ourselves that we're survivors, that there's real strength, incredible power in surviving... Maybe that helps. Maybe, just maybe. Please slow down. Don't let the voices drag you quickly all the way into hell.

Maybe we're stronger than we realize. The only proof I have is that we survived. I don't have answers. I have questions. I can't tell you do this thing, follow this formula and the heat will diminish a bit, enough to make it easier.

The kind that comes back up each time. I've felt like that and thought "I should just stay down and give up." I didn't. I don't know exactly why since I'm not strong. But maybe I'm wrong about that too.

But we survived. We proved to them and to ourselves that they failed. They tried to fucking destroy us. My last partner? She once urged me to kill myself. I didn't. She failed. We survived. Sometimes I feel like one of those blow up punching bags.

Pulling us back into hell. But they can weaken. We survived. We shouldn't have, but we did. Against incredible odds. Here we are talking about hell. They wanted to destroy us and did unspeakable damage.

We're never getting rid of this shit. The hell, the horror, the memories will always be with us. But it's just possible to not live in it all the time. It's improbable, but possible, to not constantly be in hell. It will always be there, the voices screaming, pulling us down.

So there I am in another fucked up relationship. But even with that evil man's voice in my head, even with the nightmares--technicolor documentaries of actual events--there's apparently a sliver of chance that something can be different.

And both of them, both of them, I knew early on that they were bad news. But I went full speed. The sperm donors voice was shouting in my head: you're a failure, you'll always fail at everything. A woman wants to date me, she's a nightmare, but no one else will date me.

I was warned about my partner. I was warned about the previous one--a woman who was emotionally as cruel as the sperm donor--and I ignored the warnings of the very few people I trust.

That might have been wrong. Lots and lots of people have been shitty, mean, hurtful to me. But what if... What if we're putting ourselves in situations, in relationships, that had to be fucked up by our choices?

She sounds different, one in a million...but I wonder. What if there are many people like her? What if that antenna is really flawed? My terror of people has kept me from incredible opportunities, life changing. That fear was mostly based on conclusions...

So I told her everything. She was horrified, crying, and she accepted me. I told her recently about some extreme worries about intimacy. She said, don't worry, we'll figure it out.