Muad’Beep

I listened to the new Florence + The Machine album and was punched in the face and shot 57 times IN MY OWN HOME.

Just so everyone knows, I think Nugget couches are the best gaming seats.

No one really prepared me for the deep seated sense of failure you get as a parent when your child is sick on a holiday and you feel like you couldn't give them the holiday they deserved.

Yes 🥲
Poor Bea's nose has turned intona faucet and shes been fevered the past two days.
AND ON TRICK OR TREAT NIGHT OF ALL NIGHTS 😭

The rhinovirus has hit the Towers.

The number of half-eaten, abandoned baby cookies in random sofa crevices in this house is *wild*

Bea has learned Throw Stuff in Dog Water, which includes throwing her stuffed Bluey in there. And like... yes, correct Bluey IS a dog, baby BUT also pls do not waterboard your plushies.

(Cue crying over having to complete ANY task)

Bea is cutting at least 2 canines at once (she won't let me see the top teeth), no one has slept in over a week, and work is relentless.

We are doing *great*.

"but it's everywhere now so we just have to accept it's the new reality" motherfucker we can just stop putting it everywhere! we did it with asbestos and CFCs and lead-based paint or petrol and make-up with arsenic in it! if everyone is using something and it's bad, we can choose to stop!

Its about that time of year again.

(Time to start a new BG3 playthrough and never finish it ❤️)

These things are priced so wild. Like, tell me how a $200 is considered "budget friendly"?

I'M SORRY WHAT 👀

I'm just trying to buy a solid stroller that isn't a million dollars, man!

I wish there was some kind of baby product trial program.

Signed, a mom who is just always overwhelmed with the amount of products to choose from on a budget.

Following. For science.

Tom Clancy’s All-Hands Meeting

a close up of a spongebob squarepants cartoon character with a very strange face . ALT: a close up of a spongebob squarepants cartoon character with a very strange face .

If I have to be responsible for ONE MORE THING at work this week I swear to god I will CRASH OUT.

Pre-game pep rally

(Blasting Headfirst Slide into Cooperstown on a Bad Bet before waking the baby from her nap)

Do it, lady 👁👄👁

Cannot believe i missed this masterpiece

The birth rate is never going to rise until governments actually invest in women’s and children’s healthcare and rights but apparently no one likes hearing that.

Precisely this. Kirk was not engaging in actual discussion with anyone. His entire brand was baiting unprepared undergrads into providing content that he could heavily edit for use in advancing his audience's favored narrative fantasies about clueless kids.

Saw Soccer Mommy ✅️
Got a promotion today ✅️

Everything's coming up Millhouse.

Tonight was Mom's First Solo Night Out and I just want everyone to know that I was very brave about it.

LOOK OUT SOCCER MOMMY HERE I COME

I am genuinely so sad to miss Soccer Mommy in town tonight.

Chasing a cinnamon raisin bagel with some doritos, just to feel something.

When I die, I want UPS to lower me into the ground so they can let me down *one last time*.