Zoe Danger

It’s crazy how humans just like, invented the guitar, and then like, decided to get really good at it.

Made the mistake of having caffeinated coffee after noon yesterday and it got me:

1. Crashed and went to bed early.
2. Restless, nearly sleepless night.
3. The brief sleep I did achieve included a single (rare for me) sex dream in which I was too tired to have any sex.

Ate the desiccant packet in the jerky bag again.

I sometimes wonder if the true catalyst for me realizing I was trans, was when I started sobbing from the Daft Punk breakup announcement video.

Broke: “Extramarital”
Woke: “Supramarital”

If you listened closely, Trump don’t blame Tylenol for autism… he blamed mothers.

Manic Pixie Dream Tranny

I just tried a Russian candy that tasted like a combination of hazelnut chocolate and automatic transmission fluid.

Have y’all heard about this thing called “tattoos?”

I just got my first one, and want to talk about how cool they are.

I got teased by a group of teens recently for not knowing that “MCR” was short for “My Chemical Romance.”

And nothing makes you sound even more old and out of touch than trying to defend yourself by claiming you were listening to them first.

Straight cis dudes’ dating profiles always read like they’re trying to attract other straight cis dudes.

If righting the wrongs is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

The trick with cooking burgers on the grill is you have to take them off when they’re done… not wait until you know they’re done.

When puberty hit, the baby bird that was my budding sexual attraction, imprinted on Natalie Imbruglia in the music video for Torn.

“The 7 News Peen Team… working for YOU.”

Artisnal rotisserie chicken.

I call it: *Rotisnal*

A bag of Iams Protective Health Mini Chunks dog food and a gallon of whole milk.

The only down side to this diet is the sheer volume I have to consume to hit my nutrient goals.

Every accusation is a confession.

I miss Left Shark.

You’re amazing.
You’re valid.
You’re beautiful.
I love you.

Me: Desperately needing to use the bathroom, and terrified someone is going to call the police on me.

Also me: Standing in the middle of room, helicoptering my girl-hog around.

Are the exposed women's penises in the room with us right now?

Local on the 8s

The only true “unicorn” is a trans woman whose dating profile doesn’t include a picture of a cat or her sticking out her tongue.

Larva Lamp

Get your ass to a local drag show and bring $1s.

(…and $5s and $10s if you can.)

Y’all need to stop fucking around, and get to it.

Reminds me of the advice that if you feel too scared to do something, it just means you need to do it scared.

There was a kid in my high school graduating class that no one ever remembered seeing, but he was in the yearbook with the senior quote:

“The mountains may get me, but the law never will.”

Took the struggle bus this morning, and just my luck it’s making all the stops.