Scott Foy

Having a movie in which the main character is literally named He-Man and having the director come out and claim that Skeletor represents the height of toxic masculinity is quite the take.

Incredibly ironic that is would appear the key to saving Mystery Science Theater 3000 turned out to be getting rid of Joel once and for all.

I'm not sure what he was thinking at times. I got major Subspecies vibes at times.

If you ever wished Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula climaxed with French soldiers raiding Dracula's castle as pygmy gargoyles fight back doing Rey Mysterio moves, Dracula John Wick's everyone with a sword, and Van Helsing begs him to repent his sins then has Luc Besson got a movie for you!

My official review

Funniest thing about Oscar season is seeing the same people who spend the rest of the year denouncing worst lists, negative reviews, etc suddenly frothing at the mouth to repeatedly denounce whichever highly acclaimed Best Picture contender they have personally deemed unworthy.

HOUSEMAID (**) Asylum mockbuster is more Companion than The Housemaid. Guy meets, bangs, moves in with, knocks up, and proposes to new lady three weeks after his wife dies, but psycho android maid with wife's memories wants him to herself. A plodding sci-fi Lifetime thriller with the T&A left in.

Deadtime for Bonzo AKA Primate: Freaky fun and ultra gory late 80s/early 90s throwback nature gone amok slasher complete with faux Halloween-esque synth theme. A bit dumb at times. No idea why rabies would turn a sign language monkey into a methodical and even victim mocking Art the Chimp. ***1/2

Ended 2025 finally watching Bugonia, a masterful descent into madness that in many ways captures the current state of the world this past year. However, that ending (no spoilers)-- I get what they were going for but felt it really undermined so much of what proceeded it.

Honestly, the only fireworks I'm interested in tonight will be the social media reactions to the finale of Stranger Things if it's as bad as reactions to the previous has been.

Pitch: Another remake of The Running Man but it's the Protein Slammin' Strawberry Pop Tart on the run while being pursued by the Pop Tart Bowl people determined to sacrifice it at next year's game.

The Housemaid is a quite enjoyable throwback to the sort of violent, sexually charged, mostly implausible, psycho thrillers that used to populate theaters all the time in the 1990s before getting totally neutered into tamer Lifetime Network programmers. ***1/2

Congrats to Batista on managing to star in two post-apocalyptic sci-fi action flicks that are both top contenders for the worst movie of 2025.

THE WRECKER: Total throwback to those clunky yet enjoyable early 90's DTV action flicks about a two-fisted Don Swayze type mechanic seeking revenge against the gangster that killed his family. He's very anti-gun so his weapons of choice are a huge wrench and his heavily armored tow truck.

Hilarious to realize The Asylum's mockbuster of the Anaconda reboot will most likely have more in the vein of the original film than the City Slickers meets Jumanji meta comedy reboot.

One of the biggest boutique blu-ray labels known for annually hyping a big mystery title to be unveiled on Black Friday revealing it to be a 4K of Troll 2 tells the world your company's pickings are getting slim or they've just totally lost the ability to read the room.

I guess this will be the next one from the same company? My expectations are already basement level.
https://youtu.be/0qeRfA1AGiY?si=kYmw0qBQYWoVcIA1

I was already prepared to bail after quite literally nothing happened for the first 20 mins and the actors kept weirdly pausing for awkwardly long times between lines of dialogue.

I couldn't believe how plastic that giant blade looked. Like a prop a cosplayer would wield.

Did you also get the sense the owners of that countryside home gave specific instructions to the cast and crew not to make a mess or else? Blood never splatters. Dries instantly, never dripping. Chases around the house never result in anything getting knocked over or broken. broken.

The reveal of the killers' reasoning had me going, "All this murder just because of that? That was the best they could come up with?"

Still not as bad as the killer's motivation in The Naughty List of Mr. Scrooge being mad over losing out on a part in the school play many years earlier.

Don't let the title fool you. Not much of anything happened this Christmas or last. Only 70 minutes long but felt like 7 hours. Even the actors sounded bored most of it.

I did, however, enjoy seeing the one girl get drowned to death from having her head submerged underwater for exactly 3 seconds.

Hilarious The Asylum of all companies turned out to be the one with the sense to say, "Hey, what if we used this popular public domain childrens IP to actually make a movie for children instead of a gory slasher flick?"

And then also turned around and cast Bruce Campbell as the voice of Owl. 🫡

Sisu: Road to Revenge
AKA
Terrifier Rambo

First hour is essentially Rambo III: Fury Road before turning into Under Siege 2: Art the Clown Territory; boasting the most preposterous Itchy & Scratchy levels of ultraviolent action. If that doesn't sell you then this ain't for you.

DEATHSTALKER is a campy fun, creative, gory, monster-filled throwback to 1980's sword & fantasy films. Conan the Destroyer by way of Brian Yuzna and Screaming Mad George. Though, it's odd seeing a Deathstalker film not just devoid of T&A, but determined to shun any sex appeal altogether. ***1/2

Somehow the Predator discourse seems to have shifted from a bunch of angry dudes yelling about how Badlands is woke, feminized, queer, DEI, Disney-fied bullshit to a bunch of horny dudes like, "Whoa! How am I just now noticing Elle Fanning has a great ass?"

Hoping Predator Badlands is a huge hit so I can pitch my Alien film about a kindly Xenomorph that teams up with the human survivor he popped out of to escape a planet overrun by violent Weyland-Yutani synths being controlled by an Engineer plotting to purge the human race.