what’s the fastest you’ve ever swiped left

one thing about me is that I will always be yawning at the precise moment of a Face ID login

at the san diego airport and just overheard “happy holidays” followed by “trump’s president, you can say merry christmas” 🥹🥹🥹 congrats to this previously oppressed man for casting his shackles!!

new group of friends suggested we “run it back” in reference to a recent hang. good news I googled it, it’s a good thing

I read @stephenking.bsky.social’s “on writing” and all he does is shit on writing he hates and it has ✨ r u i n e d ✨ me. it didn’t make me a better writer, just made me a meaner reader. did you know that all books actually suck? I didn’t.

I didn’t do it I was just *inclined to* …your honor

this time it happened AFTER I had already picked it up! and I was suddenly inclined to rip open the bag and drop it again. so actually I may be the victim of this forthcoming felony idk

if I go on *one more walk* and some asshole white dude falsely accuses me of not picking up my dogs’ poop, I might commit a felony. when that day comes I hope y’all show this post to the cops cuz I want the opportunity to make my case heard

aunt: how are your dogs?!
me: omg they’re great, actually yest—
aunt: you know your dogs feel like your babies… until you have an actual baby. *clasps my shoulder affectionately* you’ll get there someday.

happy holidays everyone 😌💞

just looked out the window and thought, “is it too late to start a movie?”

brothers and sisters, it is 5:11pm.

men are from mars, women are from venus. but in 3rd grade we also learned boys go to jupiter to get more stupider and girls go to mars to get more candy bars.

so are we getting the candy bars… *from* the men? like a trick or treat situation? or is it a burglary. while they’re off getting stupider

just went on a walk and had lovely, lengthy conversations with multiple different neighbors… then came home and remembered I’m wearing two pimple patches ☺️💞 #blessed

told a story about “icing” someone (read: smirnoff ice, it’s a thing) and new guy in our friend group, horrified, whispered “you called ICE on someone?”

every year I buy my christmas tree from the same farm (they deliver), and every year they email to remind me to re-order. this year they didn’t email and I had to spend 15 minutes convincing myself there’s no way a christmas tree farm could be mad at me

wait bluesky doesn’t have drafts? I can’t workshop every thought I have before it’s ready for public consumption? immediate vulnerability? BYE

making plans with a new group of friends is fun cuz you get to witness the diversity of flaking skills. one girl is having wine tonight so she “isn’t sure how she’ll feel tomorrow.” soft launching her flake in advance. respect the strategy but 0/10 execution, you hate to see it

you can tell a lot about a parent by what part they give themselves in the family halloween costume.