punxsutawney fro

Tronald Dump

ME: the high school football team lost so the coach made all the players do 500 sit-ups

WIFE: that’s child abuse

ME: i know which muscles get used linda

Trump soiled himself, and the names of Alex Pretti's murderers are revealed. I say that's a pretty productive weekend's end.

ME: whenever i make fried eggs the yolks break but when i make scrambled eggs they don’t

ALANIS MORISSETTE: i’m sorry but the lyrics are already done

It's a shame everyone is talking about stochastic terrorism now. I used to love the book fairs they did at our school.

[calendar naming committee]

BOSS: how should we spell the second month

GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea

*looks at calendar* FINALLY

your crush wants you to drink water

34,000 signing up for this work AFTER seeing their fellow citizens gunned down by federal thugs in cold blood? I'm chugging whatever the opposite of doomerism is

wamb wamb

remember, if trump can sue the IRS for ten billion dollars of taxpayer money then he could sue you for oh wait he already is

A melania screening sounds like something health insurance covers under preventative care.

[two weeks later]

ME: ohhh pepsi is ok

ME: i’ll have a coke

WAITER: is pepsi ok

ME: yes

WAITER: say cpepsie then

[cop questioning me about a robbery in the walmart clothing section] where were you two nights ago?
[me wearing a pajama top that says time to wine down] work I think

epstein email: sory for th typos a 14 yr odl is givng me a bj

SCREAM: do you have a girlfriend

OTHER SCREAM: yeah but you don’t know her she goes to a different void

It's national croissant day. Have you rolled around in butter and curled up like a "c" to celebrate yet?

Classic 98-yr-old candy brand files chapter 11 bankruptcy 🍫

[in a nursing home]
99 yr old: *snickers* Nerds
97 yr old: *chuckles* Dum Dums

daendeleon 2d @ Threads Greg Bovino was asked how he felt about his demotion today. "Well, obviously, I'm not happy", he replied. Someone in the crowd shouted back, "So which one are you?"

just choked on my beverage

I mean this is fine, right?

Whoever came up with "penny for your thoughts," "don't nickel and dime me," and "another day another dollar" sure knew how to coin a phrase.

💯

maybe it would be easier to list who isn’t in the epstein files

nostalgic for when news was just one new

WIFE: what do you want to do tonight

ME: i would like to see bug on ya

WIFE: don’t you mean bugonia

ME: *releasing murder hornet* no

Shall I compare thee to a fucking jerk

I went to a costume party dressed as a ticket to the Melania movie but nobody's buyin it

reminder that a small handful of Republicans in the House and Senate could end this madness today

I feel like the word “efficient” could be spelled more efficiently