Kyle 🌱

If you're ever in a situation where someone is asking for advice and you don't know what to say, just give a piece of unrelated advice and hope they take it as a metaphor

"Man if your car starts sliding, just make sure the wheels are pointed in the direction you're going"

Boyfriend: *Owen Wilson voice* wow

Girlfriend: *Jennifer Coolidge voice* wow

Boyfriend: *Owen Wilson voice* wow

Girlfriend: *Jennifer Coolidge voice* wow

Came up with the phrase "another feather in my dunce cap". Now I just need to wait until I do something stupid. Shouldn't be long now

*billionaire explaining hard work* imagine standing for 2 hours

Da Vinci assigned to uncle Kyle for Calm Down Time

"Take pronouns out of your email signature, just use the obvious ones" - someone who has never emailed anyone named Taylor

Me: why should I use your dish soap

Dawn: look how good it cleans this duck

Me: ok well how does it do on dishes?

Dawn: again, I can't stress enough how clean this duck is

If a dog wore sandals, they'd probably be Bark-enstocks lol :)

Every day it gets harder and harder to get out of bed

The moniker "Mister President" is deeply funny to me. Very 5-year-old coded. Like saying Mister Doctor

I won't spoil it for you but you should watch it sometime

The vibes are decidedly off

You guys hear about the election over here? Crazy stuff

There's a bit of sadness when you're at a restaurant and the food isn't delivered by Your Server.

"and who ordered the Alfredo?"

You don't know us at all. Jenny would know. Jenny would know who ordered the Alfredo.

A question I ask daily, if I'm being honest

Ok apropos of nothing, my dad is a huge Tesla fan (because he's also a giant fuckin nerd, he totally bought into that particular brand of futurism) and he's having a near religious crisis over how much Elon sucks as a human being.

I wish twitter wasn't still so active, yet it remains the place where many of the people I care about keep posting. It's a fucking shame, honestly

Me: I'm sick can you take my shift?

Coworker: sure thing

me; thank you so much1

Being conscious is overrated, especially when flying

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan "make every flight a red eye". This would make approximately 600 billion dollars

A screenshot of a Twitter post showing a cow on a beach. Tbe user added the comment ‘mood’, to which another user replied. ‘It probably did’. (The guy who made the joke is @KylePlanEmoji who should be named cause he’s made me laugh for hours at this)

Honestly, I’ve been laughing since yesterday at this.

The difference between cows and cattle is that a cow wont use a litter box, but a cat'll

Twitter being the shit show that it is, I have to hedge my bets

If I didn't have my 401k to worry about,,

Here's the thing. The security cameras in the kitchen have nowhere near enough fidelity to be able to tell whose dick it was

[first day at Domino's]

Manager: oh and one more thing: don't fuck the pizzas

Me: haha

Asst Manager: seriously, don't fuck them

Cook: dont fuck the pizzas dude

Me: I'm n-

Customer: that guy's not gonna fuck my pizza is he?

Manager: not if he wants to keep his job he wont.

Speak on it

Mostly just feeding them! They have the ability to recognize faces so if you're consistently providing them with food, they'll get more comfortable with you. You have to be careful with this of course, as to not disrupt the local ecosystem, so ask your local wildlife center for advice ❤️

It *might* fit a kestral if it keeps its lil feets reeeeal close together!