Newt >:3

disecting and flaying parts of myself anew if i want to cut off their strings that are imbedded in every tiny angle of the way i view the world and behave in it.

I've not gone near that street in years and shiver at the thought but i do like to imagine the courtyard burning

god i hate him i hate them i hate how theyve wormed themself so tightly under my skin from birth that their essence seeped into my muscles , bone , every fibre is discolored with their dogma.
so melted in that i now have to pick myself apart,

he's 71 now!

cluth?? how is that a typo..

*** cult

thats probably the only thing that'd get me back into that building, getting to watch things unravel.

or a public scandal? please.

you know, sometimes i get upset thinking about just how much the cluth i grew up in morphed me.
but.

then i remeber im young enough to prbably watch the current leader die and watch them scramble like rats figuring out who's the next one

if im lucky they'll even splinter.

aw thank you, youre right

anyway.
intersectionality sucks and none of this would happen if i didnt have a fucking chronic illness.
I'll regret crying about it on the internet and delete tommorrow probably lol

which is.
devastating.
and unfair.

good to have a vague plan forward atleast tho

and since i get those insidious sneaky emotional flashbacks now, fucking up my world view, from just talking to the landlord, visiting a doctor or seeing a low bank accoubt number.. im clearly not in a place to handle worse without being very mentally ill about it, which in of itself is a trigger.

so based on that i made the decision to postpone starting T untill i know that if i eventually encounter a bad medical or finantial situation because of it, it wont make me fold in on myself and go back to trauma brain Newt from 2018.

the ordeal being that I'll likely have to face more predjudice, medical gaslighting, discrimination and problems/possible end of disability aid due to being trans "officially" on paper.
which.
im not mentally ready to handle with my current medical trauma still rampant.
have to work on that first.

and frankly? doing anything re: wheelchair feels like the boss level of conquering my issues and quite far away right now. i feel like crying in frustration just thinking about it.
probably went back a few steps in being able to cope with it after the whole recent postponing- starting-T ordeal ;_;

i can do one of them but not multiple days in a row.. an dif the weather is hot i cant do anything..
if the weather is ok i suppose i could try and lend a wheelchair and have a friend with me but idk if the route will be accessible either

looked at the prague pride program and uuughh.

like half of the things I'd be interested in are in the form of a walk in the city. i think they are doing better on accesible buildings this year but... i cant walk for that long man..

it both shows they respect eachother but also builds up the moment they switch to informal language to really mean a lot in their relationships

i think its different based on how people grow up too but like.. I've always liked that they for example translated Holmes and Watson as using formal pronouns for eachother during majority of their stories. same with Cowley and Aziraphael i think.

any event where i assume im there to make friends.

so i assume these peope either think im wayyy younger than i am ( I've had ppl guess i was way younger multiple times before) or they think the setting we are in is casual for some reason while it is not for me?

the formal/informal pronouns might be generational as well.. idk.

like. i will only use informal language to a stranger if i think they are obviously younger than me by like 10 years or if we are in a setting thats already casual. like.. meeting people at pride for example.

the email i wrote back to him was so overly proper and formal it had me cackling btw hhaha

no idea where w czech company found me because i dont market myself locally at all.

but if it was on bluesky and they see me subtweeting him on main? GOOD

im so salty about that email with the informal pronouns i got hahahhaha

aww

i promise im nice and dont hate most people

i think its just the lack of people pleasing that i had to beat myself out of and being slavic that builds the image of someone unapprachable💀

whenever i yap online i get worried it gets read like im pissed off or rude.

meanwhile im just afflicted with the permanent de-buff of speaking half sarcastically 90% of the time & being salty is just my default state.

if i try to alter the way i phrase things it feels so fake tho, cant do it

banished privateers concert next week!

i shall curate a pirate outfit

great tactic on their side tho, to have their already neurodivergent and queer kid also not consume any of the media their peers do so now they have even less in common with them (:

i caught up on a lot with a laptop under my blanket eventually but i still havent seen almost any disney movies

with that same logic tho, why was i allowed to read fantasy.
i guess with a dragon on the cover they didnt realise "magic" was a part of the mix lol

not ever reading harry potter as a kid and only watching the movies at like 19 feels like i dodged such a bullet man.

i guess thats one good thing about my parents labeling things "black magic" growing up

I'd love to hear what she had to say