Newt >:3

this is what i mean when i say I'd be so fucking powerful if i didnt get constantly nerfed

the previous one was a ptsd episode, this one i thought was gonna be all sunshine but instead my vertigo came back...

by the end their books will be seeping with art thats shed blood hahha 😅

I hope MCDM gets some dark magic boons from me suffering so much for the latest two pieces I've done for them haha.

they are lovely, i love working for them , but ive just been going thru it while working on each illustration for unrelated reasons

can i get a fuckig break man

i wish all my trauma triggers werent such stupid and honestly pathetic topics and sensations, like, can i have atleast one badass one?

you know, the thing that is very normal to want and possible to achieve?

my favourite season being tainted by a few triggers that come up with the weather change is actually so mean wtf

i am glad its finally colder what do you mean feeling cold inside a house does bad things to my brain nauurrrr

im just the concept artist for a series of props but oh my god this job took 5 years off my lifespan.

absolutely spoiled by how excellent everyone in TTRPGs is at communicating clearly and on time in comparison.

modern cinema is a miracle. not because what you might think but just by how baffling it is that any movies or shows even get made with the state productions are in jesus

having worked in publishing and TTRPGs and 1 videogame, i thought book illu was bad

im so glad i dropped out of film school wow

i try a lot to have a presence and be searchable online for career reasons but this is the one time i wish i wasnt.

rationally i know it will be fine. probably. but im just afraid of them. cause the part of me with most memories of them is a child, to which they seem much bigger.

didnt think that going thru all my social media, looking for posts mentioning a specific thing and deleting them would be on the agenda today... i spoke to some people tho and now im worried about a group so better be safe than sorry. idk.
i know the group has a twitter account.

he's 71 now!

cluth?? how is that a typo..

*** cult

thats probably the only thing that'd get me back into that building, getting to watch things unravel.

or a public scandal? please.

aw thank you, youre right

anyway.
intersectionality sucks and none of this would happen if i didnt have a fucking chronic illness.
I'll regret crying about it on the internet and delete tommorrow probably lol

which is.
devastating.
and unfair.

good to have a vague plan forward atleast tho

and since i get those insidious sneaky emotional flashbacks now, fucking up my world view, from just talking to the landlord, visiting a doctor or seeing a low bank accoubt number.. im clearly not in a place to handle worse without being very mentally ill about it, which in of itself is a trigger.

so based on that i made the decision to postpone starting T untill i know that if i eventually encounter a bad medical or finantial situation because of it, it wont make me fold in on myself and go back to trauma brain Newt from 2018.

the ordeal being that I'll likely have to face more predjudice, medical gaslighting, discrimination and problems/possible end of disability aid due to being trans "officially" on paper.
which.
im not mentally ready to handle with my current medical trauma still rampant.
have to work on that first.

and frankly? doing anything re: wheelchair feels like the boss level of conquering my issues and quite far away right now. i feel like crying in frustration just thinking about it.
probably went back a few steps in being able to cope with it after the whole recent postponing- starting-T ordeal ;_;

i can do one of them but not multiple days in a row.. an dif the weather is hot i cant do anything..
if the weather is ok i suppose i could try and lend a wheelchair and have a friend with me but idk if the route will be accessible either

looked at the prague pride program and uuughh.

like half of the things I'd be interested in are in the form of a walk in the city. i think they are doing better on accesible buildings this year but... i cant walk for that long man..

it both shows they respect eachother but also builds up the moment they switch to informal language to really mean a lot in their relationships

i think its different based on how people grow up too but like.. I've always liked that they for example translated Holmes and Watson as using formal pronouns for eachother during majority of their stories. same with Cowley and Aziraphael i think.

any event where i assume im there to make friends.

so i assume these peope either think im wayyy younger than i am ( I've had ppl guess i was way younger multiple times before) or they think the setting we are in is casual for some reason while it is not for me?

the formal/informal pronouns might be generational as well.. idk.

like. i will only use informal language to a stranger if i think they are obviously younger than me by like 10 years or if we are in a setting thats already casual. like.. meeting people at pride for example.

the email i wrote back to him was so overly proper and formal it had me cackling btw hhaha

no idea where w czech company found me because i dont market myself locally at all.

but if it was on bluesky and they see me subtweeting him on main? GOOD

im so salty about that email with the informal pronouns i got hahahhaha

aww