His Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal Mason Pelt

Faster than a speeding locomotive.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Able to leap a locomotive in a single bound.
It's Superman on Tylenol.

Hey Nobel committee,

My heroic actions just prevented a war between Djibouti and Monaco.

Give me your peace prize

I would absolutely love it if mobile carriers would not install apps onto my phone whenever I update it.

We are here because a speech writer stepped on a butterfly and when that butterfly died it screamed out that it would be funny to have Obama make fun of Trump at the 2011 the White House Correspondents' Dinner.

Many of you don't understand nihilism, and it doesn't matter at all.

Be sure to leave out protein powder and creatine so your cockroaches can get jacked

Is now a bad day to complain about the TSA touching my penis?

Thanks, I hate it.

Life is short, text someone to say you are just grateful for the unspeakable acts of depravity you had together.

I remember the hubris with which I started 2020 believing that this would be my decade to shine.

A rising dictatorship, and a failed state are technically two separate events and not synonyms. I'm pointing this out now for probably no reason.

The Federal Bureau of Prisons has never before waived a sex offense public safety factor (their own policy) for a transfer to a minimum-security camp, where inmates can have access to the outside community

What if the real cause of autism was the friends we made while in the diner with the Googie architecture after we took the train to visit the zoo.

Can we not shoehorn all behavior into political terms?

I'm writing a book about the ways many modern managers act like Joseph Stalin, and even I think this is a stretch of a comparison.

Doctors; are they plotting to kill us?

Starting suspect the guy nicknamed "affable moron" was a personality hire.

Regarding John Bolton, if you follow the history of Stalin's rise in the USSR you will see Trump's playbook.

Paccheri is the only shape that says anything about the person (deep instability), and all other shapes are arbitrary, and using them as a proxy for a personality profile is dangerous pseudoscience.

Pharmaceutical ads will say things like; "Tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection," and that is my doctor's job. They should tell me. I didn't go to medical school. So doctor, do I have a parasitic infection?

Keep your friends close, enemies closer, and your sycophantic robot idiot in your pocket.

Surely, that will work.

The death of James Dobson creates a power vacuum.

His empire will either begin de-dobsonization or double down on his legacy of greatness in order to avoid exposure for their own actions.

These are the lessons of history.

My jet2 holiday was defeated by radioactive shrimp from Walmart.

Day 145 of trying to create a super powered shrimp to fry my rice.
The government may be onto me, due to a shipping error, where Walmart received my radioactive shrimp.

Day 145 of trying to create a super powered shrimp to fry my rice.

The government may be onto me, due to a shipping error, where Walmart received my radioactive shrimp.

My most controversial relationship opinion: If the relationship ends just because one of you cheated with a stripper who happened to be the other's best friend, the relationship was always fucked.

Strong relationships highfive everyone for sharing and discuss buying a houseboat as a thrupple.

Tell people you work in counterterrorism and they think you are lying. Tell them you work in terrorism, and they will always call the police.

Hey, you don't happen to have a copy of Apologia ad Carolum Quintum on you? I'm looking for a copy of the Apologia ad Carolum Quintum, just for a second just to read one line, and cite some bollocks.

AI psychosis isn't possible for me, because I have programmed my AI to insult me by using YouTube comments from the 2010s.

I request is proofread something, and it says, "okay, I will review your gay little writing."

I ask if I correctly understand a paper, it tells me the paper is "fake and gay."

If cats use social media, they would post the exact same stuff that recently divorced men post.

"They awakened the beast by poking the bear, and now they're mad when the storm rains on them."

That's exactly the kind of thing a feline would say.