emily gautreaux

SEATTLE 🗣️🗣️🗣️

after 5 days at home alone, my husband is coming home today, and thank god. i’ve eaten way too many canned beans and spent way too much time getting my own water.

when im given a work assignment with little or no training, i’m making choices purely off of vibes.

Earthquake!!!!!! And it wasn’t from my bean breakfast farts.

not microwaved in the can… obviously. i don’t like eating house fires for breakfast.

idk what it says about me that i actually really like to leave in the bean juice from a can of beans. and also that one of my preferred bean eating methods is microwaved out the can with a little butter, salt, pepper, and garlic powder. for breakfast. with a piece of toast.

i’ve always been a hater but it’s really gotten to a very serious point as i’ve gotten older

soon as i see some influencer say they’re about to have their 5th or 6th kid they’re getting a dislike and a block bc why the fuck is anyone doing that insane shit

crying at the baby clothes my mom got our baby 😭

like brother don’t you see in my chart i have IBS? i know this game. i have been playing this game since i was a child. pooping is the second most important thing to me next to my husband and family. sometimes it’s the first most important thing to me.

tmi pregnancy: not being able to poop and the joy of your health team telling you “well we don’t want you missing a day!” as if i have any control over that when i already drink 3000 glasses of water, eat whole foods with fiber, AND take metamucil/miralax.

wtf is wrong with ned

skinner!!!! that was almost so sexy!!!!

i say as someone who has never played hockey in any capacity and is generally not athletic. idk. it’s the baby, the baby hates this goalie.

honestly fuck this goalie idk how im gonna forgive that performance last thursday. can’t watch this guy.

me every time nedeljkovic skates remotely away from the net

i really fucking love hockey and i’m becoming more of a fan since mlb died but…. watching hockey makes me miss the slow pace of baseball.

oh, nedeljkovic is starting? don’t think i’ll watch this whole game 😅

finally shows up correctly! i’m a quarter italian, a quarter central/eastern european (lithuanian which i knew because my grandma’s mom was born there), and a quarter english which i knew was my grandpa’s ancestry. whole bunch of white as hell, a surprise to no one! anyway that’s my boring update.

the dna update that just came out is actually kind of insane. i went from being real confused about the results from when i got them years ago to FINALLY everything making sense. grew up knowing i should be a quarter italian bc my mom is half, yet it told me i had less than 4% until this update.

extremely accurate

can anybody explain to me why fedex are the worst most unreliable fuckers in the world

worst part about the new iphone update is WHY the fuck when i go to select an emoji, it opens with the most commonly used row off screen. these tech bros are stupid as fuck.

love is blind is obviously a horrible show but i’m still pretty fucking grossed out they’re just platforming these conservative homophobic freaks this season.

is it diabolical that i love to eat raw cauliflower with a little olive oil and salt? and no, it’s not a nice olive oil. it’s the cheapest one you can buy at trader joe’s.

i am 11 weeks pregnant today. feels pretty cool 🥹

baltimore is not doing ok

*visiting the liberty bell*

“the taco bell wouldn’t have cracked”

You already fucking know what time it is