Liz Tuckwell

#vss365
‘Can you speak any Faery #languages, Fred?’ Lis asked.
‘Elvish, Dwarvish & Trollish.’
‘Great. We’ve got a Troll down in the cells who only speaks Trollish. Let’s go.’
Fred paled. ‘My Trollish is fairly basic.’
‘Which means non-existent,’ said Jay.

#vss365
Fred puffed up his chest. ‘If you want to go into Faeryland, I’m an expert on the #geography.’
‘Just because you shagged an Elf, doesn’t make you an expert,’ Jay told him.
Fred smirked. ‘But I do have a map.’ He drew it out with a flourish. ‘How much for a loan?’

Back from #worldfantasycn and proud if myself cos I only bought 4 books & 1 ebook. But my BTR list has now now increased dramatically and it was long before!

#vss365
‘I want to become the most #famous wizard in the world,’ declared Fred.
‘More famous than Merlin?’ asked Jay.
‘Yep.’
‘More famous than Gandalf?’ Lis asked.
‘Yeah.’
‘No chance,’ said Jay, shaking his head.

#vss365
‘The #beauty of the scheme’ said Fred, ‘was that the mark was too embarrassed to admit he’d paid to have his own genuine genie.’
‘Could you not sound so admiring, Lis asked.
‘And stop taking notes,’ Jay added.

Having a break from #vss365 as my husband’s in hospital.

Wow!

#vss365
Lis & Jay cracked up when they saw Fred’s #escutcheon on his web page.
‘I like the crossed leeks,’ chortled Jay.
‘But not as much as the wizard’s hat,’ Lis said, laughing.

The queen squints. “Where’s your bow?”

“A common misunderstanding,” he nods. “Yes, I’m an Archer. But in the sense that I’m an arch-mage.”

“A powerful mage?”

“A specialist in arch-magic.”

“And you can save my son?”

“That depends, is he anywhere near an arch?”

#vss #sff

#vss365
‘Was it a good idea to call your #reinvigorating potion the Fountain of Youth?’ Lis asked.
Fred shrugged. ‘I thought so.’
‘This is Mrs Lewis, your local Trading Standards Officer.’ A tall woman with steel-rimmed glasses glared at Fred. ‘She wants to have a word with you.’

#vss365
‘Do you really think we’re that stupid that we wouldn’t realise you’ve been concealing the dodgy spells in plain brown paper #wrappers?’ Lia asked.
Fred said nothing.
‘I’ll take that as a yes,’ said Jay.

#vss365
Any #doorway can be bespelled into a portal,’ said Fred. ‘That’s why you need my alarm amulet. It’ll alert you to any potential portals as you approach. Let’s try it out.’
‘And you haven’t just bespelled the nearest doorway?’ Jay asked sceptically.
‘Would I?’
‘Yes!’

#vss365
As the herd of flying pigs swept over, and pooped on the angry trolls, blinding them, Lis, Jay & Fred fled.
'See! I told you my #chance in a million spell would come in handy,' Fred shouted as they ran.

#vss365
‘The vampire known as Fagin#eluded us for a long time,’ Lis told CI Harris, ‘but due to Fred’s amazing tracking spell, we captured him.’
After fighting off a dozen child vampire thieves, she thought. Not going to mention that. Too much paperwork.

#vss365
‘Do you ever have a #yearning to be a better person, Fred?’ Lis asked. ‘Using your magic to help people rather than exploit them?’
‘I do help them!.’
‘By taking their money so they don’t fritter it away,’ said Jay.

#vss365
A #pungent aroma hit their noses as Lis & Jay walked into Fred’s kitchen.
‘What is that stink?’ Jay asked.
‘A secret ingredient in my love potion,’ said Fred, stirring a cauldron.
‘I don’t think you’re going to sell many if the potion smells like that,’ Lis said.

#vss365
Lis & Jay frowned at the note the murdered man had scrawled as his last act.
‘Find the #bass,’ Jay read out. ‘Bass what?’
‘Who knows?’ Lis said. ‘Bass fish, bass guitar, bass singer… Only he knows what he meant.’

#vss365
‘Be very afraid,’ the vampire hissed malignantly @ Lis & Jay. ‘I will escape.’
‘Doubtful,’ Lis said. ‘Your temperature-controlled & sealed coffin will be placed outside. You won’t know if it’s day or night. And if it’s day…’

#bss365
Lis, Jay & Fred stared aghast at the #malformed creature crawling out of the tunnel.
‘Where is my Precious?’ it croaked.
‘For God’s sake, Fred, you’ve brought Gollum to life. Get rid of him,’ Lis hissed.

#vss365
‘How #mundane the world would be without magic,’ Fred declared. ‘Wizards are so important.’
Lis & Jay eyed him.
‘Are you trying to get your magical consultancy fee increased again, Fred?’

#vss365
‘7 large jars of #pixie dust! Fred, have you been killing pixies?’ Lis demanded, horrified.
‘No pixies were harmed in the making of this dust,’ said Fred. ‘They sell it to me for honey.’
‘Prove it,’ said Jay, ‘& quick.’

#vss365
#grumpy the dwarf was fed up with his nickname. He hired an image consultancy but hated the focus group’s suggestions: Crabby, Grouchy, Cranky, Testy.
‘I’m sorry, sir, but that’s the sort of names your face inspires.’

#vss365
‘I’m going to call it “Flying Without #Wings”. What do you think?’ asked Fred as they circled Trafalgar Square, pigeons flying alongside them.
Jay gasped, ‘Put me down before I charge you with assaulting a police officer!

#vss365
I have #mystical powers,’ Fred was saying to a man in the pub as Lis & Jay approached the table.
The man scarpered & Fred scowled at them.
Lis said, ‘If you mean lying, cheating & scamming, then yes.’

Well done!

#vss365
‘Did you think we wouldn’t investigate numerous #rainbows appearing over London?’ Lis asked.
‘Natural phenomena?’ Fred said.
Jay scoffed. ‘More like people paying you for maps to the non existent pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.’

#vss365
The Pendowers insulted the #brownie in their mansion by offering her fine new clothes. Before she left forever, she had the last #laugh. She filled the house with #spiders so it was festooned with spiders’ webs everywhere.

#vss365
Lis had always known that Fred had plenty of #sass but even she was surprised when he said, ‘I should be Head of the Supernatural Crimes Squad.’
‘Because?’
‘I’m a wizard.’
‘You’re also a criminal,’ she pointed out.

#vss365
‘It was just a bit of #mischief,’ Fred pleaded as Jay put him in a headlock.
Jay #scowled. ‘Turning my chair into a giant thistles as I sit down, isn’t mischief, it’s suicide.’

#vss365
Lis looked at the glittering, crystalline, blue birds hopping around the square & sighed.
‘Why Fred?’
‘I was drunk & thought some #sapphire #sparrows would give the place some colour.’
‘The flocks of parakeets roaming London already do that.’