Laverne Onions

I typically feel guilty enough that I do acknowledge I'm doing this—which I think might be even more embarrassing. A show of good moral character, but lack of conviction.

The beginning of a new relationship where I'm really banking on the other person not having access to any of the social media I'm freely recycling my own jokes from as though they just came to me in the moment.

Forty-one doesn't feel particularly old to me. But I have caught myself genuinely expressing aloud thoughts like “they should make driving at night easier!” So, I don't know. I could probably use some outside perspective on this.

Bizarre photograph of a long necked gazelle standing perfectly upright on its hind legs with its front legs held at a seemingly impossible angle.

Virtually the same photo but now the gazelle has turned and is looking directly at you.

Oh!! I...uhh, sorry! I didn't know anyone was in here.

I'm not allowed to call when the top of the can I'm drinking from smells a little weird "a life-ruining experience" anymore.

Free Use E.T.

41

My only complaint will be there's no possible way he suffered enough during it.

Champaign for my real friends. My sham friends? Well, let's just say my sham friends are going to get *quite* the surprise when they discover the nature of their reward…

Dog Eggs

There's nothing wrong with referring to masturbation as "doing your business" with the same uninspired regularity as a dog being let outside to pee. I've heard a lot of cool people do exactly this, in fact.

Venetian gondola boat powered by a gondolier in a striped shirt with a long rowing oar.

Red gondola lift suspended from cables.

I'm sorry, but these can't both be called gondolas. Someone should have sorted this out by now.

Hair havers don't know the big bald secret that the crown of your head is the smoothest, most youthful looking part of you. All your body's skin hangs down from it like a towel draped over a birdcage.

Slurpee straws are a joke. I've never had that little spoon at the end help me do shit.

Red Hot Chibi Peppers

WHAT

Okay, I'm officially done with being unpopular. Ready for everyone to like me in spite of my many shortcomings now.

Just circling back on that frequency, Kenneth.

I believe that after long enough out of popular use certain words should be stripped of their sexual connotations. For example: spunk. Nobody calls semen "spunk" anymore. It should have that expunged from its record and be integrated back into the lexicon.

Am I ruffling any feathers by calling New Zealand “Australia's Canada” or would everyone involved pretty much shrug and say “yeah, I guess.”

Don McLean: Drove my Chevy to the levee…
Me (grinning while concealing an enormous levee-drying device): Then what happened?

Marge and Homer Symptoms

I haven't seen a lucky rabbit's foot in decades, but I remember them being a prominent part of my childhood. Has the world become less accommodating to superstitious animal mutilation, or am I just running in different circles now than when I was ten?

I cannot be the one in a relationship responsible for setting ground rules about the amount of soft crumbly chocolate that's allowed to be consumed in bed. I've proven time and again that I'm not up to the task.

I would love my nepo baby unconditionally.

Maybe that's not irony, exactly. I don't know. Can irony just be a thing you're constantly sad about?

My ex-partner—who throughout the span of our relationship remained convinced I wasn't actually over my ex-girlfriend—has, ironically, perpetuated this exact problem for all my future relationships (I am not over my ex-partner).

Humble Unpretentious Naturals

I'm sorry, but your doctor should already know whether or not you're the great clown Pagliacci. Fake fan.