Ed Wiley

As a dad raising six kids I've said "no" so many times that my face now permanently looks like I'm about to say "no"

Is this premium for one person? What would a family plan look like costwise?

The band who sang "I would walk five hundred miles and I would walk five hundred more" is from Scotland, a country which uses the metric system, but still uses miles for road distances, which is appropriate, because no man would walk five hundred "kilometers"

Lord, give me the confidence of a child who wears a Harry Potter costume to a Baptist fall festival.

We have a pet rabbit named Banjo, so when I asked my wife, "Do you know anything about this controversy with Bad Bunny?", Banjo was all ears

Our rural county doesn't have trash pickup. We drive our trash miles away to the dump. But Walmart does same-day delivery to our house for free. It costs us less to buy a pack of gum than it does to throw it away. To save money, I'm having gum delivered directly to the landfill.

Just got an ad for an app that claims to help deal with the most normalized addiction in our society: the phone. An app to deal with phone addiction... on my phone? Fight fire with fire? App with app? Meth with meth? I don't think this will work unless the app installs on a stone tablet.

economy's so bad my 12yo is selling his minecraft inventory on facebook marketplace

hello to everyone in a relationship who paused mid-argument to look at their phone and is now reading this

Nothing today reminds me of my 80s childhood more than this year's Atlanta Braves

No I would not support The Minecraft Act

80s/90s American church kids know that sword drills prepared me for this moment

My teenage son and I walked into O'Reilly Auto Parts to buy new headlights for the van. I opened the cross-reference book hanging from the shelf. My son said, "Dad, we didn't come in here with animal skins and clubs. Use your phone." I found the lights before he did.

Idea: A podcast where the hosts react to podcasts about how to start a podcast

One of my comedian friends said I need to take more risks on stage, so in the middle of my next show I'll be buying bitcoin while also... doing standup comedy full-time

YouTube video by Ed Wiley The Dollar General Experience is unmatched #standup #comedy #funny #dollargeneral

Hello, my name is Ed Wiley and I do standup comedy professionally. Here is a clip of me doing that. Thank you for your time.
www.youtube.com/shorts/TSKks...

Top 5 American Pope Predictions
5. Popemobile races Talladega but they call it Masscar
4. Cameo on Real Nuns of Atlanta
3. Wears Jordans when issuing a papal bull
2. Decrees that offerings now include copays
1. Celebrates DoorDAsh Wednesday w/Chick-fil-A to Vatican (extra sauce for Swiss Guards)

On a positive note, maybe the tariffs will give Dollar General some time to get everything unpacked

walmart curbside employee: hello sir how are you today, are you okay with the substitutions
me: am i being detained
walmart employee: it does have that energy doesn't it

teaching teenagers to drive is like showing your grandma how to use her phone camera, except if she does it wrong, everyone gets whiplash

8 out of 10 Americans use social media every day. Be careful to not look up from your phone, or you might make eye contact with the 2 out of 10 judging you.

we're not pentecostal, but every time another one of our kids reads harry potter they run around the house with a stick speaking in tongues

I've never prayed for an excommunication before but in this case I will make an exception!

Praying for your full, rapid recovery, Aunt Beth! Thankful for you.

... then a boomer's phone rang that was louder than all the crying. I heard someone whisper in a raspy southern voice, "That'd better be Jesus calling." A Good Friday, indeed. 2/2

We attended a large Easter pageant put on at an area high school by local churches. One scene had live baby goats. But the goats started crying, then a baby in the audience starting crying... 1/2

UPS: your packages are neatly stacked on the doorstep
FedEx: your packages are in your chimney and your neighbor's tree
Postal Service: your packages are permanently in Jacksonville, FL

In the last week:
- Our oldest goat died
- We were all bedridden with covid
- A possum gave birth in our trash can

This feels like the Lord telling me to launch a country music career

After being bedridden with covid for a few days, it's great to check in on social media and see it remains 99.9% hot garbage

not sure how to tell y'all this true story, but last night a possum gave birth in our trash can, promising what i can only assume is six more weeks of tariffs