Alyssa

Randomly brought up during our car ride:
“Can hotdogs sit?” -5 yo
“What?” -Me
“A hotdog. Like the dog that’s really long.”
“Oooh! A sausage dog or dachshund. Yes, they can sit.”
“Well in Bluey, that hotdog can’t sit.”

“I’m going to ask Santa for more energy for mom.” -My 5 yr old

Legend has it that Jack and Chelsie are still trying to find their way back home. #TAR38

“And now Changes by Charlie Puth” -Radio
*gasp* “She said Charlie Poop!” -My Toddler

“I didn’t watch tv. I just looked at it for a couple minutes.” - 4 year old

Family movie night!
“Do you guys want to watch Ratatouille?” -Me
“I don’t wanna watch rat-a-tooty.” -toddler

“I tooted!” -my toddler
“What do you say?” -husband
“Thank you!” -toddler

💀 close enough?

“Can I have a lemon cupcake?” -my preschooler
“Not for breakfast.” -Me
“Then why do we get to eat DONUTS?”

💀

Forgot about a load of towels in the washer three times but I’m proud to say they’ve finally made it into the dryer

I could’ve sworn I baked three dozen cookies. After they were done cooling I counted again and was one short. Now I’m not blaming anyone, but cookies didn’t just go missing before I had kids…coincidence?

A sentence I never had to say before kids: Don’t lick the dog.

me yelling “dump him!!” every time Johnathan says something shitty about Ana are on Amazing Race

This beautiful 80 degree weather is wasted on a Thursday! Save the sunshine for Saturdays when I’m not locked in an office! 🤪

I wonder if other moms say “it’s OK to toot, but you don’t have to announce it” as often as I do

Arizona dog found a missing 2-year-old on his nightly patrol that a local rescue team spent 16 hours searching for. 15/10

My toddler is eating a sandwich: “I don’t want skin”

The crust. He doesn’t like the crust and now I can’t stop thinking about it as bread skin

Toddler was insisting on drinking a bottle of “juice”. It was Apple Cider Vinegar.

Hostile Government Takeover (EDM Remix) -AGiftFromTodd, Vinny Marchi

(above images of Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg, and Elon Musk) The only MINORITY DESTROYING the COUNTRY is BILLIONAIRES.

“What’s your favorite color?” -Me
“Pink, purple, teal and blue” -Preschooler
“Which one is your absolute favorite if you can only pick one?”
“White.”

*holds up random piece of candy*
“I like these! What are these?” -preschooler

Just liking candy based off wrapper vibes

“Is the ball a pickle??” -preschooler

Can you guess which sport we were talking about? 😆

i'm tired of being told to stop doomscrolling. i'm just scrolling, it's not my fault there's doom on there

“I’m not going to drink this milk until you say ‘I love you’.” - my preschooler

Weird terms but I accept

Spelling something secretive in front of my preschooler is less effective now that she immediately asks “what does that spell?”

My toddler pointed and shouted “Santa!” at a random stranger. Thankfully that stranger was in the car next to us 😅