Spiky Mike

Hazard warning lights should renamed. They ought to be called Yes I Know I'm Not Allowed To Park Here, But I'll Only Be A Minute lights.

There were a couple of 50 something blokes with bald heads sat on the front row last night, so I asked them, 'what have you been doing today? Painted any roundabouts?'

Spent all day painting roundabouts, but now I'm flagging.

You dont need to paint England flags on roundabouts. You can tell what country they are in from the potholes.

When I was on holiday in the Hungarian capital, this annoying pigeon told me a rubbish joke, so I booed a pest.

RIP Ozzy Osbourne. He pioneered bat-eating before Wuhan made it fashionable.

I feel sorry for that CEO. Must be so humiliating to have the whole world know you like Coldplay.

Bradley Wiggins would never have won the Tour De France if it weren't for Norman Tebbitt.

Lots of people on their way to Cardiff for the first Oasis comeback gig. It's important to think of these people less fortunate than ourselves.

Can we just go back to talking about people in their 20s, 30s, 40s etc, instead of all this modern Gen Z, Gen X, boomers nonsense, so I dont have to keep Googling all the time?

Neil Young may have had a smaller crowd than Charlie XCX, but at least he didn't f#cking mime!

I turned up tonight at Nottingham Theatre Royal to see the Fawlty Towers stage show, which i booked back in September. However something else was showing. Turns out it's on June 3rd 2026. Ffs!

Good to see you. Was a fun night.

Yes and yes!

What really gives me the ick is the phrase ,'it gives me the ick'.

Ffs, Facebook has suspended my account pending appeal. Absolutely no idea why.

If God existed, he'd have taken JD Vance instead.

Being a proctologist is just going through the motions.

First time I've ever booked or indeed seen Angelos Ephithemiou and he was absolutely magnificent and also a top bloke off stage. Excellent support too from Thomas Green, Paul Revill and Phill Sutton.

RIP George Foreman. Wonder if he will be buried, cremated or grilled.

Anybody else get a bit excited when they see a local road is going to be shut for a couple of days, thinking it might be getting resurfaced, only to have hopes dashed by gasworks?

I asked a guy on the front row tonight his name.
'Nye, spelt NYE.'
'Were you named after Labour's poste‐war Chancellor Nye Bevan, founder of the NHS?'
'No, apparently I was conceived on New Year's Eve.'

It's a ridiculous rule in penalty shoot outs that there is one toss for ends and one for who goes first. Why not one toss and one team chooses one and one chooses the other?

There were 5 middle aged women together at the front of the show, one of whom was ginger, so I christened them The Spice Girls.
For added authenticity, after the first interval, one of them left.

Amazing show last night in Ashby headlined by the incredible Scott Bennett.

Amazing show last night in Ashby headlined by the incredible Scott Bennett.

We are thrilled to be bringing an incredible line-up of comedians to the lovely Splendour Festival at Wollaton Park in Nottingham, alongside lots of great bands.

We are delighted to announce the comedy stage line-up at the fantastic Bearded Theory Festival, which is headlined by Iggy Pop, Manic Street Preachers and Paul Heaton.

I asked a couple in the audience, who'd been married for 28 years, what they would be doing to celebrate Valentine's Day. The woman said that for them every day is like Valentine's.
They do sod all then too.

New Funhouse club launching at a beautiful hotel in Matlock this Saturday.

Thanks for the lift!