David Gardner

*explaining American football to a European*

“Okay, so one of the ways to advance the ball is by passing and catching?”

“So what’s a pass?”

“Throwing the ball forward from behind the line of scrimmage to in front of it”

“And what’s a catch?”

“Literally no one knows”

It’s the exact same play! How could it not be a pick?

Forensic analysis of objective video evidence. This is how you serve readers searching for clarity.

It amazes me that a dozen executives at Amazon and the ad agency they hired all thought that “Now brace your urethra for turbulence” was the perfect kicker for their national commercial

Rockets owners expand talks to buy, move Sun

Terrifying headline if you don’t realize they are sports teams.

He and his neckerchief both deserve a best supporting actor nom

The football gods punish cowardice

Big Ten refs are so bad they made these dudes where body cams

Trying to get a consulting contract with Netflix so that I can charge them $25 million to suggest renaming HBO Max to just … HBO

Oh yeah that’s the good stuff

It’s giving … thanks

Oh yeah for sure, let me put on my tux to slide into Spirit Airlines seat 26B

“Trick or treat!”
“Fill out these three forms and come back when you’re ready. That last one has to be signed by your boss and notarized”

Does anyone have the under/over on prison sentence lengths for the NBA FBI arrests?

I think the Porter situation is the most easily replicable. If you’re just like the video intern, you know who’s banged up in practice and bet the unders on them (or get your friends to). Don’t bet $100k each time, but you could easily make a few thousand bucks a month

I don’t think it was a mistake to legalize sports gambling. But allowing the companies to get in bed with leagues and refusing to regulate them in any meaningful way obviously has been. These scandals are the obvious result, but they weren’t inevitable

Your periodic reminder that for every name you’ve heard — Terry Rozier and Chauncey Billups — there are five support staff members with access to the same information who make 1/100th of their salaries and have every incentive in the world to gamble

Me every time I see a college football coach get fired and enjoy those sweet buyout years

My kid slept past 8 a.m. today for the first time in 2.5 years and I feel like I could summit Everest without oxygen

Someone threw a water bottle at Derrick Henry during that TD run, which reminds me of my long-held belief that players should be given the opportunity to fight, at the 50-yard line, any fan who engages in that kind of behavior

Steve Ballmer’s defense really was just

It goes deeper than we ever could have imagined

Mamdani got a 2140 on his SATs? Out of 1600?? What an achievement

a ½ gallon of neutral milk

They finally made the milk from that hotel

For every player whose name you recognize there have gotta be 3 people who work in support roles who are doing the same thing and we’ll never know

If what just happened to Mathurin ever happened to me, I wouldn’t walk for six months

Never seen a leg pop like that. Hope I never see something like that again

Watching Tyrese go down in Game 7